On the verge of divorce?

Lately I've kind of been feeling separated from GOD. Not separated in the sense of I can't find Him, but separated in the sense of I've chosen not to let Him find me.

Kind of like what couples who want to get a divorce do...they say, "Maybe we should try it apart for a few months, just to see if we like it..."

It goes back to the whole balance thing for me...I've never seemed to be able to find the place in life where I am fully resting in Christ's grace while simultaneously relying on the strength of the Holy Spirit.

There are two extremes when it comes to my faith and neither is pretty. Sometimes I find myself legalistically trying my hardest to be completely perfect...and I end up broken and dissillusioned because shockingly enough perfection is unattainable. Or at other times I give in to grace and I just fall back on Christ...and then I end up broken and dissappointed because instead of cherishing grace I've used it as a crutch to excuse habitual sin.

As Dr. Seuss says, "Remember, life's a great balancing act."

So because I got tired of seeking out balance in my faith I just kind of let things slide. Rather than going to the LORD and trying to work these things out with Him, I asked Him for a separation. I mean, I didn't literally ask Him, but my inaction was itself an action. I made a choice not to choose. Not to choose to fix things. Not to choose Him.

Bad choice...

I don't really have much to say other than that I'm about to go beg Him for forgivenss and ask Him to take me back. And I know He will. And I know that He'll understand that this separation was just a mistake on my part...that I don't really want to divorce Him. And I know He will ignore the fact that I've taken advantage of Him and used Him. Actually, He won't ignore it...He'll acknowledge it, and then He'll forgive it.

Because that's just who He is.

I want to be the next Sherlock Holmes.

Lately I've been thinking about my purpose in life. But not on the big cosmic level that I've always associated with that line of thinking. My current thoughts are focused more on the micro-level.

I think that deep down everyone wants to change the world in some way. We all want to leave our mark. But we can't all be the next Mother Teresa. I always think of the movie, "The Incredibles," when the mom says, "Everyone is special, Dash." To which her son replies, "That's just another way of saying that no one is."

Mediocrity can be terribly overwhelming. How many people don't vote because they think that their one ballot won't really count?

I want to do something amazing that will change the world. I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes yesterday and when I left I was inspired with dreams of traveling to far places and outwhitting brilliant minds and stopping wars and beating up bad guys.

But the fact is, I'm no Sherlock. I'm not even a Watson. I'm just plain old me.

So today I was trying to reconcile all of this to myself. I can't shoot straight. I can't run very fast...or at all, if we're being realistic (When we ran the mile in my fitness class I threw up half-way through...in front of the whole class.). There are no mysteries around for me to solve...and even if there were, would I recognize them?

So what can I do? How in the world am I to leave any sort of lasting mark on this ginormous world?

But today as I whipped up some cookie dough I realized something: I may not see it now, but I've been surrounded with opportunities to do amazing things. I can't remember where it is in the Bible and I'm in a hurry or else I would go look it up or google it (Ha! I'm too lazy for google...you know it's bad!), but somewhere (thinking Ephesians...) Paul talks about how the LORD has prepared good works for us.

GOD has surrounded us with amazing chances to touch others' lives.

And maybe I feel like an old lady when I sit around making/baking things for other people, but I think that maybe those teensy tiny acts of service are my shot at being Sherlock. They're my chance to be a hero and make a difference.

And maybe I hate admitting when I'm wrong and in need of forgiveness. But maybe those times of humility are when I can see GOD the clearest. Maybe those times are when I see myself the clearest.

Maybe GOD gives us the little moments because He knows that we can't all be the next Mother Teresa. Maybe GOD doesn't want ten million Mother Teresas. Maybe He wants ten million people who do small, simple things to love and serve others and to love and serve Him.

That said, if I'm ever given the opportunity to travel the world at a breakneck pace all while puzzling through a plot to take over the world, I will not be passing it up.

Stuff I Currently Love

1. Kelly Clarkson's new album - I sang my heart out to her music in middle school, and I find myself doing the same with her new stuff...I actually bought the album for my dad for Christmas (he's a die hard Kelly fan...not sure how that happened...), but somebody needed to preview it to make sure he would like it.
2. Glitter Eye Liner - my suitemate bought me a tube for Christmas, and I have to confess that I'm addicted.
3. Chai Tea - no explanation needed. It's amazing. End of story.
4. C.S. Lewis - I'm afraid I might have fallen in love with a dead man...
5. Bangs - I gave in and cut my bangs back again. I had every intention of growing them out, but then yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and realized how much I missed them. So I pulled out the scissors and the rest is history.
6. Peanut Butter Cookies
7. Books by Dan Brown - if you need an explanation, then go read one of his books and you'll understand.
8. Crandberry Juice - somehow I've developed a serious addiction to this stuff...not sure where it came from though...
9. The ten million projects I want to make on here.
10. Cocoa Roasted Almonds