Guh! I can't think of title.

Welp. I just finished my last project for the semester. I'm not a big cram-session studier, so finals week won't require too much effort so...I guess I'm kinda done. At least with the whole homework/essay/project end of things...

At the end of my fourth semester of college I think I can safely say that this might have been my craziest. Each of my semesters here have been unique and fun and strange and amazing and awful and busy all rolled into one, but I think of all of them I grew the most during this one. Maybe not in ways that are noticeable to anyone, but introspectively, I see it.

Tonight I sat down and for the first time in a while I found myself thinking ONLY about the things I wanted to without feeling guilt or worry about other things that needed to get thought about (or done). I love being in school and I love having stuff to do...but it's nice to finally sit down with a cup of a tea and a memoir and just...relax. It's also really nice to be able to roll over in my bed without knocking a bunch of books and papers onto the floor.

So anyways, back to the growth thing, which is the real direction I was headed in...

A couple days ago I was facebook stalking an old friend and I found a bunch of pictures of myself...and at first I didn't recognize me. And it was weird. Here was one of them:

And it made me think about how different things are now. Not just that I look differently, but how I just...am differently. (Like my misuse of grammar for effect there?!?)

Something they don't teach you about growing up is that you don't just discover new places and new people and new things...you discover different ways of being. I mean, I'm still the same old Rachel in some ways...I still can't do math to save my life, I'm still picky about food like nobody's business, and I still spend massive amounts of time in my bed...but at the same time, I am different.

I'm probably not doing my thoughts justice here, but I really need a cup of tea and your eyes probably need a break from my rambling so I'll just leave it at that. PS I have never in my life had trouble coming up with a title. Just saying. It's a fluke.

Facades vs. Love

So it's morning...

I just woke up. And things still look a little fuzzy around the edges.

My eight o'clock class is canceled for the rest of the week. So I'm sitting on my bed wrapped in my comforter, eating a banana, and pondering life. Because that's just what I do.

Have you ever felt like you're just using GOD? Maybe you want to fit in with a certain group of people, to catch the attention of that certain person, or maybe it's just yourself you're trying to impress...but you use GOD to get what you want out of people and yourself.

(PS This isn't really something I'm struggling with right now, it's just something that's on my mind. Okay. End random interjection.)

There's a certain lifestyle that I see a lot of Christians struggling to attain and/or maintain. I watch men try to be "Godly men" who tie up their entire manhood in their relationship with GOD. I watch girls try to force themselves into super perky attitudes because they don't ever want to be perceived as not having joy. I watch people try to dress and act and think and say and be the right thing. And they try really, really hard.

But there's nothing really there.

I think I can safely say that I have entered the realm of maintaining the "Christian" facade and emerged on the other side with the realization that I don't have to be exactly like every other Christian. I've been there. So I also think I can safely say (from experience) that chasing after a lifestyle is empty. It's difficult. And at the end of the day you're left with memories of how you either managed to piece together enough of a good lifestyle to impress your fellow believers...or you're faced with how you failed.

How much easier and freeing it is to just do what Jesus commanded: Love GOD. Love others.

I've found that with just those two simple things...everything else just seems to fall into place. Yeah I screw up. But the nice thing about loving GOD is that in order to love Him the way He wants you to, you have to allow Him to forgive you your failures.

And the other nice thing about letting go of the lifestyle and just loving GOD and others is that it tends to eliminate the gray areas that we Christians run into. Rather than looking at something and struggling over whether it's right or wrong, black or white, you're faced with this question of if whatever it is you want to do will be loving to GOD and/or loving to others.

Fairytale of New York

So even though this is a Christmas song I've been running around singing it these past few days. I love this song (in spite of the occasional smattering of bad words) and I really love this video. The way they look at each other just makes me sigh...

Something about watching them just sit and relax and croon away on a rooftop inspires me to just chill out. Lately I've been very caught up in stuff that quite frankly doesn't really matter. And somehow this song is GOD's way of telling me, "Just chill out already. Relax. Take a nap. Read a book (that's not for class). Climb a tree. Call someone just to say, 'I love you.' Enjoy being in school instead of dreading class. Sing in the shower instead of moping about random crap."

I am a very tired girl.

I am making a horrid face in this thumbnail...that's embarrassing.

Confusion Abounds

So I'm at the parentals' house and I forgot my computer at school...so I can't post my drawings right now. But don't worry, I'll have four for you guys when I get back to school.

In the meantime...I have some Easter-ish thoughts. Kind of.

I've been thinking a lot lately about contradictions. Or at least, things that seem contradictory.

Here are some of the main ones I've been chewing on mentally:

1. The whole "first shall be last and last shall be first" concept. I guess I'd just never thought about how illogical it is that "the meek shall inherit the earth." But at the same time, it's not illogical. The people who really really really desire power don't deserve it. Because they want power as an end in itself. So it makes sense that someone who is humble would be better at holding power and authority.
2. Vulnerability as a means to strength. This one is hard for me to grasp because I'm not a fan of vulnerability. It makes me cringe. It almost makes me feel sick to my stomach. And yet...if we're incapable of opening up to others then isn't that a weakness? So in fleeing weakness we become weak...hmmm...confusion abounds.
3. Death as a means to life. Paul tells us that we must become a living sacrifice. Does anyone else not see the irony here? Sacrifices are usually dead or headed in that direction! But we're called to die in order to recieve life. And I'll be honest, on a microcosmic level I'm having trouble figuring out what that looks like. On the flipside of that, on a macrocosmic level I can just look to the cross. Christ died so that we might live. He wanted (and wants) us to have spiritual and physical life because of His sacrifice. So I guess maybe that helps us understand the whole living sacrifice concept. Kind of.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. Most likely they make no sense because I've only had half a cup of coffee this morning.

My Favorite Food

Welp...it's either pizza...or REALLY smelly cheese.

My Favorite Animal

My favorite part is his cute little tail! Also...for those of you who don't understand art, my favorite animal is a lion. Duh.

Self Portrait

So I've taken to stumbling in my free time again...for those of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is...Google it...for those of you who don't know what Google is...maybe you can find a tutorial about how to use Google on YouTube...good luck. May the force be with you and all that jazz.

So anyways, I stumbled on this today...

And I'm taking the challenge. So here's day 1:

 

Doesn't it look just like me?!? One day that'll be on display at the Met. Oh and I really want to be at the lake today. Hence the fishing baseball cap. 

I HATE the Hunger Games.