On the verge of divorce?

Lately I've kind of been feeling separated from GOD. Not separated in the sense of I can't find Him, but separated in the sense of I've chosen not to let Him find me.

Kind of like what couples who want to get a divorce do...they say, "Maybe we should try it apart for a few months, just to see if we like it..."

It goes back to the whole balance thing for me...I've never seemed to be able to find the place in life where I am fully resting in Christ's grace while simultaneously relying on the strength of the Holy Spirit.

There are two extremes when it comes to my faith and neither is pretty. Sometimes I find myself legalistically trying my hardest to be completely perfect...and I end up broken and dissillusioned because shockingly enough perfection is unattainable. Or at other times I give in to grace and I just fall back on Christ...and then I end up broken and dissappointed because instead of cherishing grace I've used it as a crutch to excuse habitual sin.

As Dr. Seuss says, "Remember, life's a great balancing act."

So because I got tired of seeking out balance in my faith I just kind of let things slide. Rather than going to the LORD and trying to work these things out with Him, I asked Him for a separation. I mean, I didn't literally ask Him, but my inaction was itself an action. I made a choice not to choose. Not to choose to fix things. Not to choose Him.

Bad choice...

I don't really have much to say other than that I'm about to go beg Him for forgivenss and ask Him to take me back. And I know He will. And I know that He'll understand that this separation was just a mistake on my part...that I don't really want to divorce Him. And I know He will ignore the fact that I've taken advantage of Him and used Him. Actually, He won't ignore it...He'll acknowledge it, and then He'll forgive it.

Because that's just who He is.

I want to be the next Sherlock Holmes.

Lately I've been thinking about my purpose in life. But not on the big cosmic level that I've always associated with that line of thinking. My current thoughts are focused more on the micro-level.

I think that deep down everyone wants to change the world in some way. We all want to leave our mark. But we can't all be the next Mother Teresa. I always think of the movie, "The Incredibles," when the mom says, "Everyone is special, Dash." To which her son replies, "That's just another way of saying that no one is."

Mediocrity can be terribly overwhelming. How many people don't vote because they think that their one ballot won't really count?

I want to do something amazing that will change the world. I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes yesterday and when I left I was inspired with dreams of traveling to far places and outwhitting brilliant minds and stopping wars and beating up bad guys.

But the fact is, I'm no Sherlock. I'm not even a Watson. I'm just plain old me.

So today I was trying to reconcile all of this to myself. I can't shoot straight. I can't run very fast...or at all, if we're being realistic (When we ran the mile in my fitness class I threw up half-way through...in front of the whole class.). There are no mysteries around for me to solve...and even if there were, would I recognize them?

So what can I do? How in the world am I to leave any sort of lasting mark on this ginormous world?

But today as I whipped up some cookie dough I realized something: I may not see it now, but I've been surrounded with opportunities to do amazing things. I can't remember where it is in the Bible and I'm in a hurry or else I would go look it up or google it (Ha! I'm too lazy for google...you know it's bad!), but somewhere (thinking Ephesians...) Paul talks about how the LORD has prepared good works for us.

GOD has surrounded us with amazing chances to touch others' lives.

And maybe I feel like an old lady when I sit around making/baking things for other people, but I think that maybe those teensy tiny acts of service are my shot at being Sherlock. They're my chance to be a hero and make a difference.

And maybe I hate admitting when I'm wrong and in need of forgiveness. But maybe those times of humility are when I can see GOD the clearest. Maybe those times are when I see myself the clearest.

Maybe GOD gives us the little moments because He knows that we can't all be the next Mother Teresa. Maybe GOD doesn't want ten million Mother Teresas. Maybe He wants ten million people who do small, simple things to love and serve others and to love and serve Him.

That said, if I'm ever given the opportunity to travel the world at a breakneck pace all while puzzling through a plot to take over the world, I will not be passing it up.

Stuff I Currently Love

1. Kelly Clarkson's new album - I sang my heart out to her music in middle school, and I find myself doing the same with her new stuff...I actually bought the album for my dad for Christmas (he's a die hard Kelly fan...not sure how that happened...), but somebody needed to preview it to make sure he would like it.
2. Glitter Eye Liner - my suitemate bought me a tube for Christmas, and I have to confess that I'm addicted.
3. Chai Tea - no explanation needed. It's amazing. End of story.
4. C.S. Lewis - I'm afraid I might have fallen in love with a dead man...
5. Bangs - I gave in and cut my bangs back again. I had every intention of growing them out, but then yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and realized how much I missed them. So I pulled out the scissors and the rest is history.
6. Peanut Butter Cookies
7. Books by Dan Brown - if you need an explanation, then go read one of his books and you'll understand.
8. Crandberry Juice - somehow I've developed a serious addiction to this stuff...not sure where it came from though...
9. The ten million projects I want to make on here.
10. Cocoa Roasted Almonds

Unfinished Conversations

Now that the semester is over I find myself with the time to work on my three hundred and ten book reading list...I've only read twenty nine of them. I'm kind of in love with books...it's a dangerous relationship (also slightly nerdy...).

I hate it when I'm reading and something pulls me away from my book. It feels like I'm tearing myself away from someone in the middle of a conversation. I always finish whatever it is I have to do as quickly as  possible so that I can get back to my dear friend (and by friend I mean whatever novel/serial killer book/memoir that I'm reading).

The funny thing is though, I do the opposite in life. Albeit with people, not books. It's easy for me to cast aside a person rather than finish a conversation I'm supposed to have with them.

Because sometimes there are things that need to be said that I don't want to say (or hear, as the case may be).

The truth isn't an easy thing to handle. It's hard to find the balance between not giving someone enough truth and pushing far too much truth onto someone. One extreme puts me in the position of being an ingenuine liar and the other turns me into an obnoxious inconsiderate tattle-tale/nag.

That's the thing with balance though...a person can only be in balance for that split second when all of the cards are right, when all of the chances fall perfectly in line. And then he or she falls back toward an extreme.

But that's what makes grace so beautiful. Grace comes and sits at the other end of the proverbial teeter-totter and helps us to find balance again. Grace gives us the strength to speak the truth (rather than hide it), while also giving us the wisdom to know how to share the truth lovingly (rather than bluntly or arrogantly).

Confession: I have idolized Selena Gomez.

Lately I've found myself drawn to this music video:

I'm not going to lie...I may or may not have choreographed my own personal dance video to this song. I'm not really sure why I like it so much...maybe it's the cute Asian girl who announces Selena at the beginning...maybe it's Selena's lovely little Marie Antoinette getup...maybe it's the fact that it's super repetitive so it was easy to learn the lyrics. Whatever it is, at some point I realized my obsession was getting a little dangerous because I caught myself dancing to this song in front of my mirror while wearing red high heels, striped leggings, and purple and blue hair clip-ins.

The other day someone was teasing me about idolizing a celebrity who's younger than me, but I did some research and I would like the record to show that I am in fact, younger than Selena Gomez.

The Mona Lisa and the Incarnation

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and this year, I find myself thinking a lot about the doctrine of the Incarnation of Jesus. I'd never really thought about how radical and miraculous it is that GOD became one of us.

I'm still reading the memoir Girl Meets God (It's one of those books that I always read really, really slowly so that I can soak it all in.), and at one point Lauren talks about the value the Incarnation holds for her. This is what she has to say:

"Here is the thing about God. He is so big and perfect that we really can't understand Him. We can't possess Him, or apprehend Him. Moses learned this when he climbed up Mount Sinai and saw that the radiance of God's face would burn him up should he gaze upon it directly. But God so wants to be in relationship with us that He makes Himself small, smaller than He really is, smaller and more humble than His infinite, perfect self, so that we might be able to get to Him, a little bit."

I love being worshipped. Lately I've really been struggling with seeking praise and glory for myself. And when I really, really want people to notice me, I make sure to make myself seem bigger (metaphorically speaking, of course) than I am. I set myself on a pedestal so that the world can see how great I am. I play up all of my good qualities and hide all of the bad ones.

The thing about GOD is, He doesn't do that. At all. And He's actually worthy of worship. But rather than loudly demanding that we worship Him, He quietly (but fervently) reminds us of His glory in (seemingly) small ways...like when He sent His Son to the earth as a baby, and not as a great and glorious knight in shining armor.

GOD is flawless, so it's not like He has anything to hide. He's only goodness, only greatness. GOD blows the competition away when it comes to beauty, goodness, intelligence, and pretty much any other admirable quality. He's the ultimate expression of wonderfulness, because He's the original model for wonderfulness.

Maybe this is blasphemous, but lately I've started to think of GOD like I do the Mona Lisa. Everyone has seen a copy of the Mona Lisa. Everyone recognizes her subtle smile. Everyone postulates about who she was. But most of us have never actually seen the original Mona Lisa. We've seen copies in books or stores or on our Great Aunt Martha's living room wall.

And sometimes when someone sees a copy of the Mona Lisa, he or she is drawn to the real thing. They travel to the Louvre, where they see the real deal and utter the famous expression, "It's smaller than I expected."

Here is what I think: GOD's people are a lot like the copies of the Mona Lisa that we've all seen floating around. We're a copy of His beauty, but we still don't compare at all to the real deal. Rather, we exist to remind people of the real deal. We exist so that when people see us, they don't worship us, but rather are drawn to the LORD. They seek Him out, and when they see Him they exclaim, "He's bigger than I expected."

It would be ridiculous for a person to try to sell a copy of the Mona Lisa as if it were the original painting. That person would be labeled as a fraud. So who are we as followers of GOD to try to sell ourselves as if we were the real treasure? Who am I, that I think I can put myself on a pedestal when really the only good things about me are from the LORD and aren't of my own doing?

We are so finite. We have such a limited ability to comprehend GOD. But He knows that and understands that (in fact, He created us that way), so rather than demanding that we try to wrap our minds around Him in His vastness, He's given us the Incarnation, so that we can begin to grasp Him and His glory.