Naps

Today I took a nap on my couch. Some friends were over and we put in Little Women, and ate cookies and chocolate. It was perfect. The rain was gently tapping the window and I was drinking a cup of tea. Before I knew it, I was out. And so was everyone else.

I never really took naps before I came to college. Now I love it when I get the chance to have one. There’s just something so revitalizing about curling up on my couch and allowing my mind to drift off.

 

Plummeting from Pedestals

Lately, I’ve been under a spell of disillusionment. I’ve been seeing all the ways that I put certain people on pedestals. The ironic thing is that every person I put on a pedestal falls off of it. I guess that is more GOD than irony.

I don’t know why I always try to convince myself that people who I love, or who have qualities I admire, are perfect. Maybe it’s because of my own innate desire for perfection. My logic is that if perfection is attainable for them, then I should be able to have it too.

And then my idols fall. This is always a heartbreaking process. I hate seeing anyone fail, (it’s actually one of the things that I dislike the most) but seeing someone who I’ve decided is very close to perfection come crashing down slashes at my heart. It’s always a striking realization of my own humanity.

The crux of the matter is that we are all selfish. We are all fallen. We all need grace. None of us belongs on a pedestal.

Josh Groban says it best, "There's so much to be thankful for".

I’m thankful for the cup of coffee that I am in the middle of.

I’m thankful for encouragement that comes from unexpected places at unexpected times from unexpected people.

I’m thankful for Christmas music (even when I get tired of listening to it).

I’m thankful for the cookies I just ate.

I’m thankful for my wonderful mother who just e-mailed me and asked if she could bring me anything when she visits.

I’m thankful for my classes (even Fit and Well).

I’m thankful for my two favorite men; my dad and my brother. They’re so great and they always seem to love me no matter what.

I’m thankful for my couch (even though it’s only nominally mine, it really belongs to my roommate).

I’m thankful that my roommate and I both like to be in bed by the same time (11:00).

I’m thankful for the changes that GOD has brought into my life lately (even though some have been not very fun and I’ve moped about them).

I’m thankful for friends who deal kindly with me when I’m in a pouting mood.

I’m thankful for the wind.

I’m thankful that Jesus loves me. I forget that too easily even though it’s the main theme of a popular children’s song.

I’m thankful for the food that I will get to eat when I go home in a few weeks.

I’m thankful that I’ll get to see my dog then too. He may be annoying and loud, but I love him.

What's it to you?

Today I asked GOD some questions. I asked Him for answers to things that have been emerging in my life for a few weeks now. I sat on my floor, surrounded by books and sticky notes and pens and crackers and empty water bottles; determined to wait until He gave me the answer that I wanted. But He did not give me the answer I wanted. He also did not give me the answer that I did not want. He responded in a way that reminded me of how Jesus often responded to the Pharisees: He gave me another question to grapple with. What He gave me was this: “What’s it to you?”

The funny thing is that these questions that I have been struggling so hard to answer these past few weeks are not about me. Their answers affect me in a minimalistic way, but not in any way that drastically changes my life. I think that deep down the real reason I was struggling so much with them is because I wanted affirmation that I was in the right and everyone else was disobeying GOD.

But GOD is good, GOD is sovereign, and GOD is full of grace. He gave me the answer that He knew I needed, even if He did not provide answers that I wanted. Granted, I would still like answers to my questions, but I know that it’s not likely I’ll receive them. In fact, I doubt GOD will ever answer them in this life.

A Danger to Your Health...

Chick flicks are dangerous to one’s health. Weekends full of chick flick watching leave me with an unsatisfied sort of sick feeling that I can’t seem to get rid of for a few days; kind of like a chick flick hangover.

Granted, I can appreciate a good old girls’ night full of sappy movies and chocolate with my roommate, but I think that a lot of the joy I derive from those times is mostly due to the chocolate. After all, endorphins are released - or created or whatever it is they do - when you eat chocolate.

I think the biggest problem I have with chick flicks is how perfect the guy always is. But I guess that is a paradoxical reason, because what chick flick would be complete without a perfect man? Even the chick flicks from my childhood began and ended with a perfect man. “Pocahontas” would not have been nearly as awe-inspiring without that John Smith. Whose voice was Mel Gibson by the way.

I guess the point of this is that I think everyone should start watching action movies instead of chick flicks. That way girls will become less likely to have false expectations regarding guys (especially expectations that tend more toward an Edward Cullenish man...if he can be called that...yuck...FYI, I hate those books with a burning passion; however, that is a story I will save for another post). But then again, action movies are not any more realistic than chick flicks. So maybe we should all just turn off the TV. Or watch reality shows.

Confession: My Only Flaw is My Lack of Flaws

The title is a bit of a misnomer. Okay so it’s more than that. Anyone who’s ever met me knows that I am not a perfect person. Anyone who’s ever lived with me knows that I am the farthest thing from a perfect person (particularly when I haven’t slept enough). I aspire to someday be perfect, but I know that that day will never come while I’m here on earth.

Some days however, I live as if that title were true. I go about my nicely organized little life acting as if I am the epitome of perfection and contentment. Those are the days when I don’t need GOD (or so I think). It’s so easy to get caught up in how wonderful I am!

Part of the reason that I have those days is that I know my life isn’t wonderful. Even though I love English, my vocabulary isn’t perfect (I’m sitting here looking up words in my dictionary as I write). I make plans with people and then break them at the last minute. Instead of going to the gym when I should, I sit on my couch and watch TV and eat twix, twinkies, and reeses. I hold onto petty jealousies and grudges. I say one thing and do another. I don’t spend enough time with GOD (Although can anyone spend enough time with the star breathing, cross bearing, trustworthy LORD?). And there are more flaws…these are just the most recent.

Even though my faults are rather obvious to anyone who’s ever spoken to me, I still try to hide them. I don’t want people to know when I don’t know or understand something. I don’t want anyone to see the pride or the resentment that I harbor. I want them to see what’s good and impressive about me. And that’s when I turn into Little Miss Perfect. Suddenly, there is nothing wrong in my life and no one could ever aspire to be as wise and righteous as me.

The ironic thing is that anything that’s good about me that people see isn’t me. It’s Christ. He is my righteousness. He is my wisdom. He is my knowledge. He provides the strength and peace that get me through life.  On those days when I think of myself as self-sufficient and independent of everyone (including GOD), I always seem to get into the biggest scrapes. Those are the days when I lose my keys. Those are the days when I don’t do well on the quiz that I spent hours studying for. Those are the days when I find out that something big has gone wrong at financial aid. Those are the days when I am confronted with my insufficiency.

Today, I had one of “those days”. I won’t bore you with the details; just know that for some reason I felt superior to everyone today. I don’t know if my actions or speech reflected that, but I know my thoughts did.

And then I went to chapel, where GOD used several things to smash my heart into pieces. The first was something I had written at the top of a random page in my Bible. I don’t remember who said it or when, but what I had written was this: “Holiness doesn’t come from an outward obedience of rules”.  I felt like GOD had taken a chisel to my stone cold heart and chipped out a piece of me. I sat in my seat mentally replaying the ways I had recently obeyed the LORD in my actions, but not in my thoughts.

However, He proceeded to desecrate the rest of the rock formerly known as my heart. One of the first things out of the speaker’s mouth was, “Get your head on straight”. (I almost tuned him out in fear of another sports analogy. However, he soon redeemed himself.) He spoke on the passage of Mark 8:31-38, where Peter rebukes Jesus for His teachings, and Jesus says, “Get behind me Satan! For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (OUCH!) There was much more to his message and he used other passages, but that first part was what hurt. Why can’t I seem to “Get my head on straight?” Why do I set my mind on the things of man and not the things of GOD? Why do I try so hard to maintain an appearance of perfection when I know that only through Christ’s blood can I be perfected?

Because I’m human. And my understanding of Christ’s blood and the grace of the Father will be tainted with a mortal perspective till the day I die. Until then however, I have this:

‘My grace is sufficient in you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Galatians 12:9-10