Well...the semester is over and now I’m home eating my weight in cheese-its and cereal. I’ve had more coffee in the past four days than I had all semester (which was a lot to begin with). I’ve already been to the library to stock up on my Russian Literature/ House Season 6 fix. I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday and I’ve re-re-arranged my room. Now what? I guess it’s time to think about this past semester and what the LORD showed me.
This semester I realized that I have spent my whole life underachieving when I thought that I was overachieving. I’ve always compared myself to everyone around me. It’s so easy to play the comparison game to make you feel better about yourself. When I got a bad grade on a test there was always someone who had a grade that was even worse. When I made a bad decision, there was always someone around whose choices were worse. Life for me was a competition. It was about outdoing my peers and making others look bad so that I could look good.
Shockingly enough that did not work this semester. For one thing, there were a lot more people around to compete with, and for another, they were a lot smarter, cleverer, funnier, and more talented than I am. When I started to compare myself to them I didn’t see myself as superior, I realized that I was inferior. At first, I tried to keep up the comparison game in a pathetic attempt to find someone who would make me look good. Needless to say, this took a rather large toll on me. Instead of fulfilling me as it once had, my perspective on people made me feel empty and worthless. I grew jealous and contemptuous of those who out-performed me.
Then GOD threw some love and perspective my way. I love how He lets me flounder around for a while, before taking me in His arms. Not at the time of course, but after the fact it’s nice to look back and see that He was with me the whole time. In my search for fulfillment and affirmation, I forgot that GOD is my ultimate source of completeness and perfection. I have always desperately wanted to be perfect, and it’s so hard to daily let go of that desire. But the LORD is full of grace and He’s showed me that in His strength I can let go of myself and my need for complete perfection. Ironically enough, the only way that I can be made perfect is by letting go of my desire to be perfect...life is such a paradox.
So anyways, these are my post-semester reflections. I need a coffee refill so this is the end.
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