My first real confession in a really long time...

I don't really want to write this post. But it's one that I've needed to write for a while now. And now it's crunch time, because I feel like I won't have a moment's peace until I get these words out there.

I don't want to write the things I'm about to write because most (if not all) of you people reading this are going to thing I'm being stupid and overly analytical. I've put off this post because I'm afraid of what people who read it are going to think. Which is ironic because caring what people think is a big part of the reason this post needs to be written.

So here it goes...(PS I've become famous lately for my overly long introductions into actually getting to the point of things...)

I owe every single person who has ever read this blog an apology. I also owe myself a pretty big apology. Most of all, I owe the LORD an apology.

Here is the reason for giving out said apologies: I have used most (if not all) of the words I have posted on here in selfish, thoughtless ways. I have posted silly, stupid things because I wanted to impress people. I have mindlessly poured out my heart to random internet readers because I wanted people to think of me as being intelligent, spiritual, wise, perfect, beautiful, and funny. I have given little pieces of my heart to the freaking internet! I have shared things that weren't supposed to be shared because I wanted attention.

I thought that if I could create this amazing sounding life online, then somehow I would become that girl. I would become the girl who is super-creative and funny. I would become the girl who always has inspiring thoughts and convictions. I would become the girl who has it all together.

I'm not that girl.

When I started blogging, my heart was in the right place. It really was.

But as soon as I started seeing statistics and gaining readers and getting feedback from random people about how much they liked my work, it turned into a monster. I turned into a monster.

Rather than speaking genuinely from my heart, I started sitting around thinking up inspiring things to write about. Rather than sharing the real (and slightly embarrassing) convictions the LORD was placing on my heart, I chose to make up nice, deep-sounding things and pretend like those were what GOD was teaching me. I wrote based on my 'Target Audience.' I wrote based on the types of numbers I thought I would get. (Even now, it's very difficult for me not to throw in some numbers just so that you can see how popular my blog is. And the only reason that sentence is making it into this post is because it shows just how prideful I am about this whole thing.)

I feel so fake.

I've become one of those girls who says one thing and does the complete opposite. Actually, I've been that girl for a while and I'm just now waking up to it. Deep down, I've known the truth for quite some time, but I wouldn't allow it to actually reach consciousness because I knew that when it did, it would hurt.

Man, I'd forgotten what it feels like to actually share something I'm seriously convicted about on here. I'd forgotten the simultaneous sense of embarrassment and relief. I'd forgotten what it felt like to actually be passionate about my words, instead of just proud.

So here is my promise to you, as a reader. I will never ever make up another thing. I will never ever waste my words and your time on silly, meaningless things. If I don't have anything worthwhile to say, I just won't say anything. Because the numbers just aren't worth it. I would rather be a real girl with no followers and no blog hits than a fake girl with hundreds of followers and millions of blog hits.

If I'm not writing solely for the purpose of glorifying GOD, my work is meaningless. I ought to write things because I know that they will make Him smile, not because I want to make you, as a reader, smile (not that both of you smiling wouldn't be a nice perk). I ought to share my heart with the intention of allowing the LORD to speak through me, not with the intention of demonstrating how spiritual I am.

Anyways, that's my apology. And my soapbox. Sorry it was so long. If you're willing to stick around some more, I do have a nice little addendum:

Regardless of the fact that I've been writing with the wrong attitude and mindset, I do still feel like the LORD has really used my work. Which I think is cool, because it goes to show that GOD can take our screw-ups and use them. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.