My First Original Post Since Monday

I’m thinking it’s a good day for random thoughts. It’s raining and I’m just not into the idea of crawling out of bed quite yet...or ever again, for that matter. Let’s see...where to start...

My dog is sleeping on my lap. Puppy and I have a love-hate relationship. Kind of like my relationship with granola bars. It all depends on his current level of stupidity and whether or not he’s being cute. Right now he’s being cute and he’s sleeping so he couldn't possibly do anything obscenely dumb, so I like him. However, when he wakes up and decides to pee on my favorite shoes or steal my grilled cheese sandwich, he and I will not exactly be engaged in the bonds of love and friendship.
 

I did my best to keep myself out of that picture. I’m looking a little rough this morning because I didn’t sleep so well last night. Also, I got new glasses. I can’t decide if I look more like Sarah Palin or one of those nice little English teachers who write novels on their lunch breaks (which I’ll probably end up being in spite of my best efforts). Sorry...no pictures. I only need them to read, so you’ll only ever get the privilege of seeing the Sarah Palin/English teacher look on me if you walk in on me reading. Granted, I read a lot, so at some point (if you actually know me) you’ll probably get to see it.

(Warning: the following paragraph may contain blasphemy...or at least something that could make you angry or worried about me.) GOD and I are getting along again. I don’t know if that’s the best way to phrase it, but that’s how it is. Not that everything is perfect (believe me, it’s NOT), but it’s still nice to be friends with Him again. He’s good. However, I’m having this little dissonance thing going on with doctrine. Here’s the thing: I’m tired of it. Not that it doesn’t have its place, but I feel like it’s so easy to get caught up in rules and regulations and traditions and forget that the LORD loves us and wants us to in turn love Him and love others. I mean, Jesus did say that the greatest commandment is to love GOD and that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. I feel like that is really easy to lose sight of. And if you know me very well, you know that it’s weird for me to feel this way. I’ve been little miss rule follower since day one. I love rules. I cling to regulations and guidelines and all that jazz. But in Matthew fifteen, Jesus talks about how people get so caught up in traditions that they forget to devote their hearts and minds to the LORD. That description is me. I’ve spent my whole life clinging to rules in an attempt to save myself. But I can’t save myself. Which works out, because Christ already has.

I love these pens. (I'm not sure why you would bother to buy them on amazon though...)They never run out of ink. And when you write with them you feel like Thomas Jefferson or someone important from history writing down important things because the tip of it feels like how I would imagine writing with a feather pen would feel. I guess you would probably feel more like Timothy Matlack than Thomas Jefferson...

I’ve been listening to Paramore’s song, “That's What You Get” all morning. I feel like this song is a really good description of me. I’ve always thought of myself as a very logical and rational person, but lately I’ve been realizing just how ruled by emotion I am.

Speaking of Paramore, I really want to do my hair like this. As in, I'm seriously considering it. Not sure if I could pull off the color though...

Yet Another Unoriginal Post

I heard this song in the car on my way home from church tonight. As much as I hate to keep borrowing other people's words to express my own thoughts, I feel like Laura Story has pretty much summed up my current view on life with this one.

More Frost...

Revelation
By Robert Frost

We make ourselves a place apart
Behind light words that tease and flout,
But oh, the agitated heart
Till someone find us really out.

'Tis pity if the case require
(Or so we say) that in the end
We speak the literal to inspire
The understanding of a friend.

But so with all, from babes that play
At hide-and-seek to God afar,
So all who hide too well away
Must speak and tell us where they are.

My Thoughts and Frost's Words

Fire and Ice
By Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

An Empty Well

Okay so here’s the deal: this post is probably going to be really long and it definitely is going to be very whiney/full of me complaining. So either stop reading now and go look at fun pictures of cats or whatever other internet fancy you might have, or go get a cup of coffee and find a really comfortable chair to sit in whilst you read my confessional/attempt at making myself feel better.

My relationship with GOD really sucks right now. It’s a desert, a wasteland, a nasty place in the wild where nothing worthwhile grows or lives. I hate it. It’s Father’s Day today, and I’m surrounded by all of these reminders that GOD is my heavenly Father who cares for me and loves me. But the truth is that GOD doesn’t really feel like any sort of Father figure to me right now. In fact, I don’t even really feel like He loves me. He just seems kind of absent. Actually, He seems really absent.

I don’t handle being hurt or broken very well. When I’m upset with someone my natural response is to do my best to distance myself from them; physically, emotionally and mentally. I refuse to be around them or communicate with them or even think about them. Shutting people out is what I do and it’s hard work. When I was thirteen, I even went so far as to not speak to my Dad for an entire week because he took my door away. Do you know how hard it is not to speak to someone who is sitting next to you at the dinner table or who is driving you home from school?

This is what I’ve done with GOD. He has spent the past few months breaking me and taking away things and people and dreams that were mine. He’s cut away parts of my personality that dishonor Him (that’s definitely a work in progress) and honestly I just kind of feel like He’s destroyed my life right now (And I know I sound like a fourteen year old raging at her parents that they’ve ruined her life, but let’s face it I still have one more year of being a teenager and I’ve got to get in as much angst as I can before I enter the land of being in my twenties.). So because I’ve been upset with Him, I’ve stopped really being interested in Him. I’ve kept up my little Christian rituals of going to church and reading Psalms and saying cute little prayers so that I can pretend like GOD and I are fine, but deep down I feel empty. I pushed Him away. It’s kind of like when you tell someone that you need space from them and then they give it to you and three days later you’re really sorry that you asked for it. My actions, thoughts, and attitudes told GOD to go away and He listened. I mean, I know He’s always with me and all that jazz, but I don’t really feel that way.

Honestly, I really liked the space at first. It was kind of fun feeling like I wasn’t tied down to religion and that I could say my little prayers and feel good about myself without having to deal with any of the conviction or the reality of GOD. I made a life for myself apart from GOD and I liked it. I’ve been worshipping books and art and music and getting an A in biology class and spending time in coffee shops and laying out in the sun and getting (somewhat) tan. I’ve been living out Jeremiah 2:13 where the LORD says, “My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

Now I’m sorry. But here’s the thing, my pride still doesn’t want GOD to know that I’m sorry. I want to be able to push all of the blame for my behavior on Him and pretend like I’m just some innocent child who didn’t know that disobedience is bad – which is completely illogical because He knows better than I do that:

1.                    I’m sorry for how I’ve acted.

2.                   It’s not His fault in the least.

3.                   I definitely knew better than to push Him away.

So now I’m sitting in my bed nursing a cup of hot tea and a bruised ego while trying to work up enough humility to ask GOD for forgiveness. It’s not necessarily the forgiveness part that’s going to be the most humbling and difficult for me though...it’s what’s going to come afterwards: the long process of making things right – of relearning how to communicate with GOD and not just breathe out pretty words when I pray, of seeking solace in His word and not seeking the gratification of knowing I did the right thing by reading the Bible, of remembering what it feels like to dwell in His love.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

For you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

They comfort me.

Provide

Lately I’ve discovered the wonders of Robert Frost’s poetry. I mean, I’ve always liked his stuff, but let’s be honest, The Road Not Taken and Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening get really old after seeing them on posters and reading them in English class all through middle and high school.

Shockingly enough, he wrote a lot of other stuff (which I happen to like better). Here’s one of my new favorites:

Provide, Provide

 The witch that came (the withered hag)

To wash the steps with pail and rag

Was once the beauty Abishag,

The picture pride of Hollywood.

Too many fall from great and good

For you to doubt the likelihood.

Die early and avoid the fate.

Or if predestined to die late,

Make up your mind to die in state.

Make the whole stock exchange your own!

If need be occupy a throne,

Where nobody can call you crone.

Some have relied on what they knew,

Others on being simply true.

What worked for them might work for you.

No memory of having starred

Atones for later disregard

Or keeps the end from being hard.

Better to go down dignified

With boughten friendship at your side

Than none at all. Provide, provide!

And then I realized I was in over my head.

I hate when things feel like they’re perfect and then they get ripped out from under me. That was biology class yesterday morning. For the past week, I’ve gone to class, taken notes, snickered at the teacher’s quirks...all the typical stuff that goes with a class. I thought, “ I can do this. It’s not a big deal at all. Just memorize the stuff, write it down on the test, and move on with life.” I felt really smart, and science-y.

Too bad that only worked for the first test (which I had this morning). Yesterday I realized that there’s going to be a lot more to it from now on than I am able to wrap my sad little English major brain around. See, with the first section, memorization worked. I made pretty little flash cards and nicely formatted outlines and everything ended up fine and dandy. But now we’re moving on to the bigger and better elements of biology. Whoopee.

I don’t get it. I just don’t. The best part is that I don’t understand because I’m trying so hard to understand. Today we had to put together this DNA puzzle thing. I spent a good ten minutes trying to compile some sort of elaborate protein/enzyme/whatever thing. Then the professor came over and pointed out that I only needed one piece: the one that was sitting unused in the box in front of me.

I almost climbed the wall in disbelief. I really need to learn how not to overanalyze stuff.

Things That Make My Life

Okay so it's early again. I'm supposed to be studying. I'm obviously not doing that. Instead, I'm thinking about things that make me happy. Here are some of them:
1. Chocolate Milk
2. Free iTunes Downloads
3. Granola Bars (I'm back to loving them. I'll probably spend the rest of my life in a love-hate relationship with them.)
4. Garnier Conditioner (When you wear it it smells like you're walking in an apple orchard all the time.)
5. The Book of Psalms (I'm glad that David messed up a lot and then wrote about it, because it makes me feel better about myself...I hope that isn't blasphemous.)
6. Worn Out Couches
7. T-Shirts, Sneakers, and Ponytails (I always used to try to avoid those three things, but this summer I have embraced them with a vigor I didn't know I had.)
8. Houseplants
9. The People (and dog) Who Live With Me

Why do people visit caves?

Caves have always bothered me. Why is it that people voluntarily go underground, and spend hours walking around looking at rocks and maybe the occasional bat? I always dreaded the cave field trips when I was in elementary school because they were so ridiculously boring and awful and long. I guess maybe because I’ve always had shorter legs than everyone else the distance felt longer to me. I still don’t understand what’s interesting about them though.

I could understand visiting a cave like this one. That would be phenomenally fascinating. But there’s a jungle in that cave. There are fun things to look at. I don’t know about you, but every cave I’ve ever been dragged to has been filled with rocks and those stalactite/stalagmite things that we were supposed to know the difference between (I never really figured out which was which though.). Okay I lied. Once I went to a cave that had been a school at one point. Talk about creepy...imagine sitting in your desk trying to focus (or sleep) while water drips all around you off the ceiling.

I will say that if one day for some really strange reason I decide that I’m in some sort of cave mood, this will be the one I visit. My parents took me there for my sixth birthday and it wasn’t so bad. The best part was sleeping in the little truck.

I Need An Accidental Nap

Okay so it’s seven in the morning. I’ve been up since five thirty. It’s day two of my biology class (technically it’s the third day, because the first day was canceled). I’m tired. This is me being tired and trying desperately to keep myself awake while sitting in a coffee shop across the street from the campus because I really don’t want to accidentally sleep through class and I am definitely one of those people who accidentally falls asleep in random places.

I’m not feeling quite as pathetic as I look in that picture. I feel like I should apologize to you if you’re reading this, because this post is extremely selfish. The entire point of it is so that my mind will be occupied so that I won’t fall asleep, and I was too lazy to think of an actual topic even though I have a nice little sticky note listing blog prompts that is sitting right in front of me. I thought about blogging about those, but honestly, my mind isn’t working on all cylinders this morning and I need to preserve its resources for when I have to sit through class and lab in fifty minutes.

Somewhere I'm Not

Today was my first day of biology. Dr. Fenster is one of those unique people who is interesting and inspiring to listen to while at the same time having the power to strike utter terror into my heart. I will never be late to one of his classes. Nor will I ever drink from a plastic water bottle in front of him. Thank goodness I don’t smoke, because if I did I would have to quit for fear of him catching me. I’ve never seen anyone that passionate about the dangers of putting toxins in your body.

Something he said really stuck with me this morning. I mean it really stuck with me – more than just piquing my interest for a few minutes. Ironically enough, it had absolutely nothing to do with his lecture or even really the class. He was talking about his cell phone policy (or rather, he was yelling) when he suddenly stopped and looked around and said, “I’ve asked this question in all seriousness to students before, because I really do want to know the answer. I really want to know why it is you’re so obsessed with somewhere you’re not.”

I’ve always prided myself on being (somewhat) less attached to my cell phone than the average person, so of course I sat there smugly thinking about how I’m not at all obsessed with somewhere I’m not. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that deep down I really am relentlessly devoted to places where I am not. When I don’t like how things are going in the present, I comfort myself with the knowledge that the future will be better rather than dealing with the things right in front of me. When I am at school I think about how great things are at home. When I am at home I think about how great things are at school. When I’m with my family I want to be with my friends and when I’m with my friends I want to be with my family. Why? When did it become okay for me to obsess over the places where I am not?

I have a feeling that this summer with Dr. Fenster is going to be slightly crazy, really messy, super busy, and full of random pieces of insight that I won’t be expecting. I’m not sure if he likes me or not (I made the mistake of wearing open-toed shoes to lab, which earned me a look of sheer scorn and a rather loud statement about safety) but no matter what, I’m going to learn a lot from him…even if it is in biology class.

I had the best dream of my life last night.

This morning I woke up from the best dream I have ever had. This was weird for me in that 1. I never remember my dreams and 2. if I do remember them it’s usually because they’re either phenomenally weird or disturbing. However, the one I had last night was so incredible that I had to blog about it.

I dreamed that I met Josh Groban.

Not only that, but in my dream, he had two little boys who were like mini versions of himself – complete with his beautiful, tousled curls. I spent almost the entire dream holding the littlest one (who of course stared up at me contentedly the entire time), while listening to Josh tell me all about his music and his life and New York and all of that jazz.

I woke up singing.