An Empty Well

Okay so here’s the deal: this post is probably going to be really long and it definitely is going to be very whiney/full of me complaining. So either stop reading now and go look at fun pictures of cats or whatever other internet fancy you might have, or go get a cup of coffee and find a really comfortable chair to sit in whilst you read my confessional/attempt at making myself feel better.

My relationship with GOD really sucks right now. It’s a desert, a wasteland, a nasty place in the wild where nothing worthwhile grows or lives. I hate it. It’s Father’s Day today, and I’m surrounded by all of these reminders that GOD is my heavenly Father who cares for me and loves me. But the truth is that GOD doesn’t really feel like any sort of Father figure to me right now. In fact, I don’t even really feel like He loves me. He just seems kind of absent. Actually, He seems really absent.

I don’t handle being hurt or broken very well. When I’m upset with someone my natural response is to do my best to distance myself from them; physically, emotionally and mentally. I refuse to be around them or communicate with them or even think about them. Shutting people out is what I do and it’s hard work. When I was thirteen, I even went so far as to not speak to my Dad for an entire week because he took my door away. Do you know how hard it is not to speak to someone who is sitting next to you at the dinner table or who is driving you home from school?

This is what I’ve done with GOD. He has spent the past few months breaking me and taking away things and people and dreams that were mine. He’s cut away parts of my personality that dishonor Him (that’s definitely a work in progress) and honestly I just kind of feel like He’s destroyed my life right now (And I know I sound like a fourteen year old raging at her parents that they’ve ruined her life, but let’s face it I still have one more year of being a teenager and I’ve got to get in as much angst as I can before I enter the land of being in my twenties.). So because I’ve been upset with Him, I’ve stopped really being interested in Him. I’ve kept up my little Christian rituals of going to church and reading Psalms and saying cute little prayers so that I can pretend like GOD and I are fine, but deep down I feel empty. I pushed Him away. It’s kind of like when you tell someone that you need space from them and then they give it to you and three days later you’re really sorry that you asked for it. My actions, thoughts, and attitudes told GOD to go away and He listened. I mean, I know He’s always with me and all that jazz, but I don’t really feel that way.

Honestly, I really liked the space at first. It was kind of fun feeling like I wasn’t tied down to religion and that I could say my little prayers and feel good about myself without having to deal with any of the conviction or the reality of GOD. I made a life for myself apart from GOD and I liked it. I’ve been worshipping books and art and music and getting an A in biology class and spending time in coffee shops and laying out in the sun and getting (somewhat) tan. I’ve been living out Jeremiah 2:13 where the LORD says, “My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”

Now I’m sorry. But here’s the thing, my pride still doesn’t want GOD to know that I’m sorry. I want to be able to push all of the blame for my behavior on Him and pretend like I’m just some innocent child who didn’t know that disobedience is bad – which is completely illogical because He knows better than I do that:

1.                    I’m sorry for how I’ve acted.

2.                   It’s not His fault in the least.

3.                   I definitely knew better than to push Him away.

So now I’m sitting in my bed nursing a cup of hot tea and a bruised ego while trying to work up enough humility to ask GOD for forgiveness. It’s not necessarily the forgiveness part that’s going to be the most humbling and difficult for me though...it’s what’s going to come afterwards: the long process of making things right – of relearning how to communicate with GOD and not just breathe out pretty words when I pray, of seeking solace in His word and not seeking the gratification of knowing I did the right thing by reading the Bible, of remembering what it feels like to dwell in His love.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

For you are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

They comfort me.