This sounds conceited, but I'm really not trying to be.

A couple days ago I had a conversation with someone about makeup. He asked why I (and the female population, in general) bother with it. He said he didn't see how it was necessary and that it just seemed like a waste of time and money to him.

I didn't even have to think about my answer: "I feel naked without it."

It's true. I don't know why, but if I don't wear makeup I feel like I'm not really ready for the day. If I go somewhere without it I feel like I'm telling the people around me that they weren't worth the effort for me to look presentable that day. Granted, I don't feel that way about a girl if I see her without makeup. It doesn't bother me whether or not a person is as concerned with their appearance as I am with my own.

And it's not even really a vanity thing for me, either. I equate putting on makeup with putting on shoes. It's not really all that necessary, but it's just another part of getting dressed and getting out the door.

So anyways, I was thinking about all of that and then it led me to another thought: why don't I treat my quiet times with GOD the same way? Why isn't it as difficult for me to walk out the door in the morning without having been in the Word as it is for me to leave my room without eyeliner? Why don't I feel naked when I'm not covering myself with Christ?

Anyways, these are my thoughts today...

That's not my underwear.

Sometimes I feel a lot like Rain Man. You have to watch this clip to understand. Warning: there's a lot of offensive language in this clip. Tom Cruise has a bad mouth on him...

Anyways, I have this thing where I tend to say the same thing over and over regardless of what the people around me are saying to me. For some reason my mind gets stuck on a thought and I say what I'm thinking over and over and over and over and over again. This leads me to not really hear what other people are saying to me. Thankfully it only happens when I'm either really super excited about something or really super upset about something.

What the Water Gave Me

This song came out a week ago and I'm kind of in love with it. Flo's done it again.

This whole trying to be independent of GOD thing doesn't work...

I've really been struggling with jealousy lately...but not regular jealousy, this weird form of jealousy that kind of springs from seeing other people who seem to have everything figured out. I've been feeling like EVERYONE in the world except for me has perfect friendships and relationships and all of those people also manage to say and do the right thing all the time. I look at the people around me and I hear them pray and speak about what the LORD is doing in their lives right now, and honestly I feel...small and bitter. I feel like I deserve what they have. I've been resenting GOD for not letting me have what other people have and not allowing me to be someone else...someone who has an easier time obeying Him.

This is not a good place for me. At all.

So anyways, last night I sat down to read one of my Spiritual Formation textbooks. I've had a really bad attitude about that class for a while now. I don't really know where it came from, I just know that I've been picking apart the professor, the texts, and pretty much anything associated with the class ever since it started. So of course I put off doing the reading for it until ten minutes before bed the night before class.

Here is what I read: "Pride refers to elevating ourselves to a position that properly belongs to GOD alone...The problem is that they want to be something they are not. They overstep their boundary and attempt to take what does not belong to them...A reality check should have made them [Adam and Eve] more grateful for the power, responsibility and freedom GOD had given them. Instead, their lack of gratitude compelled them to seek even more...pride twists this into a destructive self-love." (Hidden Worldviews by Steve Wilkens and Mark L. Sanford)

I stayed up later than I intended reading the text instead of skimming as I had originally planned.

I want to be perfect. I want always to say and do the right thing. I want everything to fall into place without any effort on my part. I want GOD to make being obedient to Him easy.

Basically I want Him to make being perfect something that is easy (and actually possible!) for me so that I can show off to the world how wonderful I am. I guess it boils down to me kind of wanting to be GOD. I mean, it would be super cool to be Him if you really think about it...

The problem with seeking after those things is that they're empty and they leave me feeling broken and tempestuous. GOD is definitely not involved in my desperate race toward prideful self-perfection. He doesn't want me to chase after things like that. He wants me to chase after Him. He wants me to humble myself and offer Him my heart so that He can make it perfect with Christ's blood instead of pridefully seeking after perfection on my own.

I am not independent of GOD. I need Him. This is hard for me to accept because I like being able to do stuff on my own. I like it when I don't need anyone for anything. But honestly, I need GOD for everything, and things are a lot better when I accept that and let Him have control.

A Video of My Room!

Confession: There's not an original thought in my head today!

Tomorrow I go back to school. Honestly, I feel like I have so much I have to do between now and Monday that the prospect of even getting out of bed today seemed daunting. But I did it. So anyways, I thought I would share some of the things that have been motivating me lately...here they are! PS Sorry for the lack of originality today.

Cosmic Love

I woke up sometime last night and the moon was shining right through my skylight and into my face. It felt like it had never been brighter. My clock is currently blocked from my view by boxes and suitcases, so I don't know how long it was that I laid there and stared at it until it had moved all the way across my skylight and out of my sight. Anyways, it made me think of this song:

Love Your Enemies

Lately I've been thinking a lot about kindness. Gentleness and kindness have never exactly been my strong points. I tend to prefer bluntness and exactness, even to the point of hurting others. So I've been trying out this whole being kind thing, and honestly...I've really been failing at it.

So because I've been failing, I've been kind of down on myself about it. And of course, that's affected my attitude to the point of making me not very appreciative of the cross. I've kind of been taking the LORD for granted this past week. Ironically this led to a downward spiral of feeling even more like a failure and so on and so forth...

Then last night I got to the "Love Your Enemies" section in Luke. I have to admit, I kind of rolled my eyes at GOD and thought, "Wow, thank you for more conviction...that's not really what I want right now!" However, I dutifully read through it, my feelings of guilt growing stronger with every word. Then I got to Luke 6:35, "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil."

GOD is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. GOD doesn't reserve His kindness for those He feels have earned it. He's kind to all of us...even when we're ungrateful and evil. Even when we don't cherish Him for being the awe-inspiring GOD that He is.

And that is why we should be kind to others, not because they merit it or because we're feeling generous, but because the LORD has been kind to us. The good things that we do should flow out of our gratefulness to the LORD for the good things He's done for us. Kindness isn't a matter of feeling like doing something nice for someone because they seem like they deserve it, it's a matter of doing something nice for someone in order to demonstrate the kindness of the LORD that's been given to us.

It's a good thing he's cute...

My dog is selfish. Over the years he's managed to steal three shoes, my favorite sock, four stuffed animals, half a Big Mac, a slice of angel food cake, half a pizza, a corn cob, and a roll. That's not even including the stuff he has gradually "acquired" over the years: a bathrobe, a sleeping bag, my old bedspread, a disney princess sheet, and a stuffed lamb that used to make bah-ing sounds (I think he ate the noise maker).

When I let him sleep in my room I always wake up with him sprawled out in the exact middle of my bed so that I have to sleep around him and end up with a ginormous back-ache in the morning. Moving him is no use; he goes right back to where he was. Kicking him out of my room is pointless too; he scratches at the door and whines until I let him back in.

One time we walked in on him devouring a box of tissues. Before the tissues he had managed to chew through several bags of m&m's. Later he barfed a strange mix of tissues and colored chocolate.

When I left for school last fall he managed to pee on my bathrobe, a crate full of sheet music, and in the corners of my room, out of rebellion. He didn't acknowledge me until the second week of Christmas break.

It's a good thing he has really soft ears and looks like this:

Instead of this, because otherwise I would have let him run away a long time ago...

Rainy Days and Such...

I have a playlist on my iPod entitled, "rainy days..." It's the only playlist that has become a permanent fixture (it's also the only one that has a title without capitalization). Other playlists come and go, but for some reason I've always held onto my rainy day playlist. Maybe it's because it's the perfect mixture of pseudo-sad/rainy-sounding music. Or maybe it's because I have a rule that I can only listen to it when it's raining so it hasn't had the chance to get worn out.

So I'm sitting in front of my computer listening to this playlist (because it's raining out) with wet hair that I'm too lazy to dry and a cup of hot chocolate that's starting to turn lukewarm, with a confession: I'm moping. Partially because of the weather, and partially because on Saturday I'm going back to school (which is exciting for the most part, but also bittersweet).

Anyways, I've been washing sweaters and pulling out boots in anticipation of Fall! Fall is my favorite season, and this year I'm more excited about it than usual. As is demonstrated by most of the clothing items here. (I love my pinterest!!!)

One Of Those Memories That's Stuck In My Head

So last night was not a blue ribbon winner in the sleep category for me. I was off and on awake, but when I was awake it wasn't enough to do anything but lay there and look at the ceiling and think.

For some reason when I can't sleep I think about this little old man who I saw at Wendy's a few years ago. My family was eating and I was watching all the people coming and going. For some reason I've always been far too comfortable making strangers' business my own, especially in restaurants.

Anyways, this little old man standing by the door caught my eye. He was waiting for someone else who was in line. It was December or January, so it was really cold out and he was trying to zip his coat up. But he couldn't. His hands shook and his face was full of frustration and humiliation. He just couldn't get it zipped up, in spite of how badly he wanted to.

This was the first time I'd ever seen an adult who couldn't do something as simple as zipping up a coat on their own. Honestly, it devastated me. I don't know why exactly, other than it broke down some of the illusions I had formerly held about life and growing up and getting old.

I sat watching him for what felt like hours, hoping that his next attempt would be successful. I'll never forget the moment of sadness we shared when he finally gave up. I was almost in tears and he was just staring off into the distance in compliance.

Then a Wendy's worker became my hero. He had been watching him too and he stepped out from behind the counter and helped him. I wish I had caught his name because now whenever I think about the little old man I have to resort to praying, "GOD, please bless the Wendy's worker." I guess his name doesn't really matter, because GOD knows who he is, but it still bothers me.

Anyways, it's just one of those bittersweet memories that I can't seem to let go of.

Maybe Someday...

I'm very big on holding out for the future. One of my favorite musical songs is "Tomorrow" from Annie. Sometimes it's just easier to focus on how things could be someday instead of how they really are right now.

When I was in middle school, I would pick my friends (and crushes) based on who I thought they would become. I thought I could change people into what I wanted them to be. Or I that they themselves would change on their own for me. That obviously didn't play out well. I ended up confused and more than a little brokenhearted when my expectations weren't fulfilled.

You'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time (or the second...or the third...).

Nope. I still catch myself holding out for tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Granted, now I'm more focused on who I'm going to be in the future and not others. Still...it's one of those things where I catch myself wishing away the present, in hopes that the future will be better and brighter and prettier.

But I don't want to miss what's happening now. I don't want to be so caught up in something that doesn't even exist yet anymore.

Anyways, these have been my thoughts lately. Updates on my life: the rest of my mole came off so I'm not holding my breath for it to come back. I'm currently in the packing process to go back to school...I find this ironic because last year I was finished packing in June. Also, I had a stupendous birthday! Thank you to everyone who came to see me or sent me cards or gifts! Thank you cards will be in the mail as soon as I get moved back to school...of course I managed to pack them already.

Changing Colors

So I'm kind of in love with this song. It's one of Josh Groban's obscure things that is only available on his Live from SoHo album and I actually didn't discover it until I went to one of his concerts where he played it. Honestly, this song made me fall in love with him even more. If you can ignore the fact that he rhymes 'to' with 'to' a million times I think this is one of his best songs.

Charlie Sheen Is Not My Lover

Tomorrow is my birthday. I've taken it upon myself to remind everyone I come into contact with about it this year. I used to be pretty low-key about my birthday, but for some reason it seems much more exciting to me this year.

So, in honor of my birthday my dear, dear mother gave me the Michael Jackson, the Experience game for the Wii. I kind of have a thing for Michael's music. I couldn't really stand him when he was alive, but now that he's dead I feel like it's somewhat okay to be fan. And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that game. I'm not really big on video games in general, but this is one of the few that I can get behind. (Although I'm not really looking forward to how sore I'm going to be tomorrow.)

Anyways, the point of this post is that when I challenged my brother to a dance-off to the tune of Billie Jean, he looked at me in confusion and said, "I thought that song was called Charlie Sheen."

It makes me feel good about myself that there's at least one person out there who knows less about celebrities than I do.

Hyperactivity, School Supplies, and Other Stuff

Soooo...it's almost 8 in the morning and I'm feeling kind of hyper. I can barely make myself sit still. I think it's a combination of having been up since 4:30, caffeine, and the after-excitement of having just bought school supplies.

I have this strange relationship with school supplies. It's one of those things that I feel like you can't have enough of. There's just something about the smell of new paper and the feeling of how a new pen writes. Also I love new glue sticks. They haven't been used yet so they don't have the remains of whatever project I've been working on stuck to them.

I got a new planner too. Even though I already have 3 for this year. I felt like I needed a fresh start calendar-wise.  I'm kind of down about my school's website not working. I really wanted to get a calendar from there so that I can start obsessively planning the next ten months of my life.

Mole update: I think I only lost three fourths of it, but I didn't realize that at the time because of the blood. So I think there's hope for it to grow back.

Also, I got a pinterest and I'm kind of in love with it. Actually, I'm really in love with it and I've already wasted way too much time on it.

Tangibility...Or Lack Thereof

So about five minutes ago I had a revelation. Not a revelation in the St. John of the Bible sense, but a somewhat staggering (for me, at least) revelation nonetheless.

I was washing my face and complaining to GOD about how I feel like He's never around anymore when I realized what (so far) the single biggest thing that keeps me from enjoying GOD is: His lack of tangibility.

Lately it's been really bothering me that I have a lot less trouble loving people (who are imperfect) than I do GOD (who is perfect). It's one of those paradoxes that's always bothered me because GOD deserves my all and I refuse to give it to Him. Instead I devote my time, my thoughts, my energy, and my money to the people and places and things of this world - the imperfect people and places and things of this world.

I guess this means I'm an idolater. Sort of.

My problem is that I can't touch or see or hear GOD. Not in the sense I want to, at least. I'm definitely one of those "seeing is believing" people, so the ability to have a tangible GOD is something I crave. But for now, at least, GOD isn't that way. He's invisible. He's silent. And I have to learn to love and trust Him in spite of that.

So anyways, in saying all this I'm not meaning to blame GOD for my own apathy, I guess it's just one of those things that GOD wants me to be aware of so that when I find myself slipping into idolatry I can refocus myself and worship GOD regardless of whether or not I can see, hear, or touch Him.

Also, I would like to mention that while I was washing my face a mole literally fell off of it. I almost cried because it's my favorite one. I was going to try placing it back on and saying a prayer that it would stick, but it got washed down the sink before I could do so.

Confession: I'm not very good at this whole Christian thing.

Okay...I feel like I should start of this post by saying that I love GOD. I want my life to be about His glory and His kingdom. I believe that I am His child and that I could never fall beyond His love and grace.

That said...

I really suck at being a Christian - or at least in the sense of how I think of Christians. When I think of a Christian, I think of someone who:

1. goes to church a lot.
2. is really happy all the time.
3. talks about "what the LORD is doing in their life" a lot.
4. wears cute clothes that are modest, preferably from Old Navy or Gap.
5. always has some nice Christian radio station playing in their car.
6. owns (and wears) quite a few Christian t-shirts and other Jesus memorabilia.
7. always has some catchy phrase about Jesus for every situation.
8. attends numerous Bible studies.
9. likes to have "heart to hearts" as often as possible.
10. never says or does anything that might bother other people.

I go to a Christian college. I went to a Christian high school. I know a lot of people like this. Most of my friends fit this description perfectly. At one point in my life I think I might have fit this description perfectly. Here's the deal though...I'm tired of all that stuff. Because while all of that can be good in the right set of circumstances, for me it's just become a bunch of stuff. It's meaningless to me.

I miss Jesus. I feel like somehow I'd gotten to a point where all of that stuff covered up the cross. I got so caught up in always saying and doing and wearing the "right" thing (whatever that means...) that I forgot about GOD.

And that's where my problems all seem to lie.

I read this little book that said some big things the other day. It's by Max Lucado and it's called Turn. It's actually kind of a call for America to repent and turn back to GOD, but I read it more as a call for me to repent and turn back to GOD. At one point Max talks about how GOD wants us

• to turn from self-promotion to GOD-promotion.
• to turn from self-reliance to GOD-dependence
• to turn from self-direction to GOD-direction
• to turn from self-service to repentance

Here's the thing: I've always treated religion as a means of getting what I want. I've spent my whole life trying to adhere to certain standards (that came mostly from other Christians, not even from the Bible) so that GOD will bless me and make me happy. But as I read this book, I realized that GOD doesn't exist to bless me. I exist to bless GOD. That concept makes obedience seem (I'd like to say radically, but honestly, I'm tired of "radical" Christians) extremely different from what I had originally thought.

But once I realized that I started to feel like a failure...

I'm not a very obedient person. I like to get my way and the older I get the easier it is for me to put GOD on a shelf while I do my own thing. And this makes me sad, because I want to bless GOD. I want to make Him happy. I often feel hopeless because I don't think I'll ever be good enough for GOD.

Here's what Max had to say about those thoughts, "We see Satan poised to claim victory. We feel something near despair as we...make turn after wrong turn, wrong move after wrong move. But in the darkest moment GOD whispers, 'I have good news for you. He hasn't won yet.' GOD gets the final move and we can urge Him to take it."

I think that in the end, it will be okay that I think most Christian music is annoying and that I have a very low tolerance for Christian novels. I think it will be okay that I wear my Christian t-shirts to color my hair in and that I change the channel when Christian talk shows come on. I doubt that GOD will be bothered with all of that stuff. In the end, I hope that He looks at my life and is proud that I gave Him everything - from my perfectionist tendencies to my love of writing to the bad habits and sins that I keep hidden away in the dusty corners of my life. I hope that He will be proud of all the times I have prayed one simple prayer, "GOD I can't do this. You have to do it for me."