This whole trying to be independent of GOD thing doesn't work...

I've really been struggling with jealousy lately...but not regular jealousy, this weird form of jealousy that kind of springs from seeing other people who seem to have everything figured out. I've been feeling like EVERYONE in the world except for me has perfect friendships and relationships and all of those people also manage to say and do the right thing all the time. I look at the people around me and I hear them pray and speak about what the LORD is doing in their lives right now, and honestly I feel...small and bitter. I feel like I deserve what they have. I've been resenting GOD for not letting me have what other people have and not allowing me to be someone else...someone who has an easier time obeying Him.

This is not a good place for me. At all.

So anyways, last night I sat down to read one of my Spiritual Formation textbooks. I've had a really bad attitude about that class for a while now. I don't really know where it came from, I just know that I've been picking apart the professor, the texts, and pretty much anything associated with the class ever since it started. So of course I put off doing the reading for it until ten minutes before bed the night before class.

Here is what I read: "Pride refers to elevating ourselves to a position that properly belongs to GOD alone...The problem is that they want to be something they are not. They overstep their boundary and attempt to take what does not belong to them...A reality check should have made them [Adam and Eve] more grateful for the power, responsibility and freedom GOD had given them. Instead, their lack of gratitude compelled them to seek even more...pride twists this into a destructive self-love." (Hidden Worldviews by Steve Wilkens and Mark L. Sanford)

I stayed up later than I intended reading the text instead of skimming as I had originally planned.

I want to be perfect. I want always to say and do the right thing. I want everything to fall into place without any effort on my part. I want GOD to make being obedient to Him easy.

Basically I want Him to make being perfect something that is easy (and actually possible!) for me so that I can show off to the world how wonderful I am. I guess it boils down to me kind of wanting to be GOD. I mean, it would be super cool to be Him if you really think about it...

The problem with seeking after those things is that they're empty and they leave me feeling broken and tempestuous. GOD is definitely not involved in my desperate race toward prideful self-perfection. He doesn't want me to chase after things like that. He wants me to chase after Him. He wants me to humble myself and offer Him my heart so that He can make it perfect with Christ's blood instead of pridefully seeking after perfection on my own.

I am not independent of GOD. I need Him. This is hard for me to accept because I like being able to do stuff on my own. I like it when I don't need anyone for anything. But honestly, I need GOD for everything, and things are a lot better when I accept that and let Him have control.