Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

Deuteronomy 1:19-46 records how the people of Israel refused to obey GOD and enter the land that He had provided for them. After a journey through a “great and terrifying wilderness” you would think that the people would have been glad to find a place to rest in a new land, but instead of conquering it as the LORD commanded, the Israelites reacted with fear because those who occupied it were mightier than they. They even decided that the LORD hated them and wanted to destroy them.

GOD had promised these people that He would help them and be with them. He would have delivered the land into their hands if they had obeyed Him. Instead they were forced to wander in the wilderness for forty more years. Later in the book of Joshua, it’s recorded that the children of these disobedient people conquered the land for themselves with the help of the LORD.

When I first read this, these people and their fears seemed so silly. Why couldn’t they have just trusted GOD? He had never failed them before. He had delivered them from the Egyptians. He had led them through the wilderness, providing for all of their needs along the way. He had proved His love and faithfulness to them over and over. Because they chose to disobey GOD, they cheated themselves out of His blessings. The LORD then accomplished His will through the next generation.

Then I realized that I doubt the LORD in the same way. When I see others’ lives going in different directions than mine I question Him. So many people know what they want to do and where the LORD is leading them to go with their lives, and I don’t. I barely even know what I’ll be doing a week from now let alone in ten years. The hardest part about that is that I’m the type of person who plans everything. I have two calendars and three legal pads full of lists and plans for the future. I love knowing what’s ahead. So when people tell me their plans for the future, I start to worry about my own future. I worry that I won’t get a good job when I talk to someone who’s studying to go into business. I worry that I’m not spiritual enough when I talk to someone who wants to be a missionary. I worry because I’m not ready to be in a relationship, let alone married, when I talk to someone who’s engaged. I worry that I’ll regret studying English in college when people ask me what in the world I plan to do with it.

But in light of the Israelites and what the LORD did for them, my worries seem silly and insignificant. Why can’t I just trust GOD? He’s never failed me before. He’s delivered me, led me, and provided for me. He’s proved His love and faithfulness to me over and over. He knew the end of the Israelites’ story and He knows the end of mine. For now the next step for me is this: trust and obey.

Love in Spite of Me

I have skewed view of love. I’ve always known this and I’ve tried to reconcile it several times, but my feeble attempts have always fallen ridiculously short. With Christmas less than a week away, I find myself re-evaluating my perspective on love yet again.

I used to think that love was red roses. I used to think that love was an expensive piece of jewelry, preferably a ring, but anything cut it. I used to think love was acclamation and popularity. I used to think that love was sometimes dishonest because it was more about feeling good than doing good. I used to think that love would come to me eventually if I waited long enough and if I obeyed GOD enough.

This past month, the LORD gave me a new perspective on love. Love is when my mom tells me about someone in need and tears come to her eyes as she expresses her wish to do more than she already has to show them the LORD. Love is a smile of encouragement. Love is a prayer of intercession. Love is unselfish. Love is here and now. Love is a choice.

The ultimate example of love is when GOD, the star-breathing creator of the universe, becomes a child; a humble, poor child. Love is when that child becomes a man who’s given an unfair trial; tortured without the protection of a constitution that prevents cruel and unusual punishment to the point that instead of a man, people see a mass of torn skin and blood who’s then nailed NAILED to a tree, naked for all the world to see and mock. Love is when that same man accomplishes what no one else ever has or will: perfection in EVERYTHING. He never thought an unkind or unmerciful thought. He never told GOD that He was making a mistake. He never dishonored His parents. He never accidently said a bad word when he hit his thumb with a hammer. He was never cynical or negative. He loved others. He served others. When people made fun of Him for being the bastard son of Mary, He accepted the humiliation without retaliation. Even though He was perfect, He was never prideful about it. Even in death, He did not sin. Even when He was cut off from His Father, He remained without sin. The only sin He ever endured was that of the world. It wasn’t His own. He didn’t have to accept the punishment for it. Jesus chose to die for our sin out of love.

Now that I’ve worked myself into a small fit of tears, all I can think about is how I don’t deserve that love. I’ve broken every commandment He ever gave me. I’ve worshipped idols. I’ve stolen things that weren’t mine. I’ve told lies and spoken shameful words. I’ve thought things so awful that I can barely admit them to myself. And yet, somehow in His awesome power, GOD loves me. He daily pours out His grace on me. He has forgiven every evil thing I’ve said or done or thought through what Jesus did on the cross. He made a way for me to be His child by sacrificing His only child. The Autumn Film expresses it best in their song, This is Love, with the words, “This is love, that you still love me in spite of me”. This Christmas, all that I want is a deeper understanding of that love.

Confession: I cling to cacti.

Somehow I got this idea that when someone hurts me, I should chew on what they did to me for a really long time. Then when all the flavor is gone, I put what happened on a shelf and stare at it every night before I go to bed. That way I never forget whatever lesson it is that I think I learned about life from whatever situation I can’t let go of. This is obviously not a good way to live. In fact, it’s kind of a sucky way to live. (And yes I had to add sucky to my dictionary so that spell check wouldn’t alert me that I had a word that wasn’t a real word in this post. And yes it pained me to use slang in a post.)

The funny thing about bitterness is that eventually I get bitter about being bitter. I feel like it’s so and so’s fault that I’m bitter towards them, and I resent them for making me sin. One day the irony of it struck me: the people who hurt me in the past have no clue that I’m still holding it against them. I’m the only person who knows that I can’t let what they did go; I’m the only person I’m hurting. Bitterness is like a cactus. The closer I hold it to me the more it hurts and the harder it is to let go because it’s pinned to me with little needles that are buried in my skin.

The good news is that there is a happy ending to this little tale in sight. GOD’s grace. He’s working on my current bitterness situation, and I know that He will carry me through the future situations that my sin nature will inevitably create. Thank GOD that someday I won’t have to deal with this stuff.

Reflections at the End of a Semester

Well...the semester is over and now I’m home eating my weight in cheese-its and cereal. I’ve had more coffee in the past four days than I had all semester (which was a lot to begin with). I’ve already been to the library to stock up on my Russian Literature/ House Season 6 fix. I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday and I’ve re-re-arranged my room. Now what? I guess it’s time to think about this past semester and what the LORD showed me.

This semester I realized that I have spent my whole life underachieving when I thought that I was overachieving. I’ve always compared myself to everyone around me. It’s so easy to play the comparison game to make you feel better about yourself. When I got a bad grade on a test there was always someone who had a grade that was even worse. When I made a bad decision, there was always someone around whose choices were worse. Life for me was a competition. It was about outdoing my peers and making others look bad so that I could look good.

Shockingly enough that did not work this semester. For one thing, there were a lot more people around to compete with, and for another, they were a lot smarter, cleverer, funnier, and more talented than I am. When I started to compare myself to them I didn’t see myself as superior, I realized that I was inferior. At first, I tried to keep up the comparison game in a pathetic attempt to find someone who would make me look good. Needless to say, this took a rather large toll on me. Instead of fulfilling me as it once had, my perspective on people made me feel empty and worthless. I grew jealous and contemptuous of those who out-performed me.

Then GOD threw some love and perspective my way. I love how He lets me flounder around for a while, before taking me in His arms. Not at the time of course, but after the fact it’s nice to look back and see that He was with me the whole time. In my search for fulfillment and affirmation, I forgot that GOD is my ultimate source of completeness and perfection. I have always desperately wanted to be perfect, and it’s so hard to daily let go of that desire. But the LORD is full of grace and He’s showed me that in His strength I can let go of myself and my need for complete perfection. Ironically enough, the only way that I can be made perfect is by letting go of my desire to be perfect...life is such a paradox.

So anyways, these are my post-semester reflections. I need a coffee refill so this is the end.

Reflections while watching a movie with my roomate.

I do not understand the Twilight Series. My roommate and I were watching one of the movies tonight, and I spent most of the movie trying to figure out who was good and who was evil. I’ve determined that Bella is evil. Seriously, the woman is nuts! Does she love Edward? Does she love Jacob? For real woman, make up your mind!

“This wasn’t a choice between you and Jacob. It was a choice between who I should be and who I am” is the best justification she has for choosing Edward. I think the real reason that she chooses Edward is that she wants to be immortal and Jacob can’t give her that.

Personally, I would have liked the series more if Jacob and Edward had ended up together. It would have at least added somewhat of a literary element to the story: irony. Instead, what we’re left with is a hodge-podge of feelings, irrational presuppositions, and random scenes involving either a pale glittering man who spouts off poetry and sweet nothings, or an extremely attractive wolf-man who kisses well but doesn’t ever say anything clever.

So anyways, those are my feelings about Twilight. Bella is stupid, Edward glitters, and Jacob is muy attractivo. For anyone who’s never bothered to read the books or watch the movies I just summed up the whole series in that previous sentence. I just saved you approximately sixty hours of your life. You’re welcome.

I'll have a blue Christmas without you...

Right now I am engulfed in the beautifulness also known as Elvis Christmas music. I love Christmas. I love Elvis. I love music. The three together beat out almost everything else I can think of.

However, my magical Christmas moment is missing a little bit of the magic right now. THERE IS NO SNOW FALLING SOFTLY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. There is no chance of Walking in a Winter Wonderland. While I’m belting out Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, all that I see out the window are bare trees and a half empty parking lot, which puts a bit of a damper on the Christmas spirit. And so, I suppose that I will continue to only dream of a White Christmas...in the meantime I suppose that Christmas can be Blue.

Aloneness...

I love silent moments. They seem to get rarer the more I appreciate them. Not that I want to spend the rest of my life alone being quiet, but I think that I need the catharsis that only aloneness brings. My life is the farthest thing from complicated...at least in reality it’s uncomplicated. I tend to make it problematical in my mind though. I don’t really know why I make things out to be more than they are. Eventually I regain my perspective and see things for how they are, but in the meantime my perceptions of myself and the people around me are skewed. Is that lying?

Anyways, those are my thoughts right now...I could go on, but I have to go to class.

Naps

Today I took a nap on my couch. Some friends were over and we put in Little Women, and ate cookies and chocolate. It was perfect. The rain was gently tapping the window and I was drinking a cup of tea. Before I knew it, I was out. And so was everyone else.

I never really took naps before I came to college. Now I love it when I get the chance to have one. There’s just something so revitalizing about curling up on my couch and allowing my mind to drift off.

 

Plummeting from Pedestals

Lately, I’ve been under a spell of disillusionment. I’ve been seeing all the ways that I put certain people on pedestals. The ironic thing is that every person I put on a pedestal falls off of it. I guess that is more GOD than irony.

I don’t know why I always try to convince myself that people who I love, or who have qualities I admire, are perfect. Maybe it’s because of my own innate desire for perfection. My logic is that if perfection is attainable for them, then I should be able to have it too.

And then my idols fall. This is always a heartbreaking process. I hate seeing anyone fail, (it’s actually one of the things that I dislike the most) but seeing someone who I’ve decided is very close to perfection come crashing down slashes at my heart. It’s always a striking realization of my own humanity.

The crux of the matter is that we are all selfish. We are all fallen. We all need grace. None of us belongs on a pedestal.

Josh Groban says it best, "There's so much to be thankful for".

I’m thankful for the cup of coffee that I am in the middle of.

I’m thankful for encouragement that comes from unexpected places at unexpected times from unexpected people.

I’m thankful for Christmas music (even when I get tired of listening to it).

I’m thankful for the cookies I just ate.

I’m thankful for my wonderful mother who just e-mailed me and asked if she could bring me anything when she visits.

I’m thankful for my classes (even Fit and Well).

I’m thankful for my two favorite men; my dad and my brother. They’re so great and they always seem to love me no matter what.

I’m thankful for my couch (even though it’s only nominally mine, it really belongs to my roommate).

I’m thankful that my roommate and I both like to be in bed by the same time (11:00).

I’m thankful for the changes that GOD has brought into my life lately (even though some have been not very fun and I’ve moped about them).

I’m thankful for friends who deal kindly with me when I’m in a pouting mood.

I’m thankful for the wind.

I’m thankful that Jesus loves me. I forget that too easily even though it’s the main theme of a popular children’s song.

I’m thankful for the food that I will get to eat when I go home in a few weeks.

I’m thankful that I’ll get to see my dog then too. He may be annoying and loud, but I love him.

What's it to you?

Today I asked GOD some questions. I asked Him for answers to things that have been emerging in my life for a few weeks now. I sat on my floor, surrounded by books and sticky notes and pens and crackers and empty water bottles; determined to wait until He gave me the answer that I wanted. But He did not give me the answer I wanted. He also did not give me the answer that I did not want. He responded in a way that reminded me of how Jesus often responded to the Pharisees: He gave me another question to grapple with. What He gave me was this: “What’s it to you?”

The funny thing is that these questions that I have been struggling so hard to answer these past few weeks are not about me. Their answers affect me in a minimalistic way, but not in any way that drastically changes my life. I think that deep down the real reason I was struggling so much with them is because I wanted affirmation that I was in the right and everyone else was disobeying GOD.

But GOD is good, GOD is sovereign, and GOD is full of grace. He gave me the answer that He knew I needed, even if He did not provide answers that I wanted. Granted, I would still like answers to my questions, but I know that it’s not likely I’ll receive them. In fact, I doubt GOD will ever answer them in this life.

A Danger to Your Health...

Chick flicks are dangerous to one’s health. Weekends full of chick flick watching leave me with an unsatisfied sort of sick feeling that I can’t seem to get rid of for a few days; kind of like a chick flick hangover.

Granted, I can appreciate a good old girls’ night full of sappy movies and chocolate with my roommate, but I think that a lot of the joy I derive from those times is mostly due to the chocolate. After all, endorphins are released - or created or whatever it is they do - when you eat chocolate.

I think the biggest problem I have with chick flicks is how perfect the guy always is. But I guess that is a paradoxical reason, because what chick flick would be complete without a perfect man? Even the chick flicks from my childhood began and ended with a perfect man. “Pocahontas” would not have been nearly as awe-inspiring without that John Smith. Whose voice was Mel Gibson by the way.

I guess the point of this is that I think everyone should start watching action movies instead of chick flicks. That way girls will become less likely to have false expectations regarding guys (especially expectations that tend more toward an Edward Cullenish man...if he can be called that...yuck...FYI, I hate those books with a burning passion; however, that is a story I will save for another post). But then again, action movies are not any more realistic than chick flicks. So maybe we should all just turn off the TV. Or watch reality shows.

Confession: My Only Flaw is My Lack of Flaws

The title is a bit of a misnomer. Okay so it’s more than that. Anyone who’s ever met me knows that I am not a perfect person. Anyone who’s ever lived with me knows that I am the farthest thing from a perfect person (particularly when I haven’t slept enough). I aspire to someday be perfect, but I know that that day will never come while I’m here on earth.

Some days however, I live as if that title were true. I go about my nicely organized little life acting as if I am the epitome of perfection and contentment. Those are the days when I don’t need GOD (or so I think). It’s so easy to get caught up in how wonderful I am!

Part of the reason that I have those days is that I know my life isn’t wonderful. Even though I love English, my vocabulary isn’t perfect (I’m sitting here looking up words in my dictionary as I write). I make plans with people and then break them at the last minute. Instead of going to the gym when I should, I sit on my couch and watch TV and eat twix, twinkies, and reeses. I hold onto petty jealousies and grudges. I say one thing and do another. I don’t spend enough time with GOD (Although can anyone spend enough time with the star breathing, cross bearing, trustworthy LORD?). And there are more flaws…these are just the most recent.

Even though my faults are rather obvious to anyone who’s ever spoken to me, I still try to hide them. I don’t want people to know when I don’t know or understand something. I don’t want anyone to see the pride or the resentment that I harbor. I want them to see what’s good and impressive about me. And that’s when I turn into Little Miss Perfect. Suddenly, there is nothing wrong in my life and no one could ever aspire to be as wise and righteous as me.

The ironic thing is that anything that’s good about me that people see isn’t me. It’s Christ. He is my righteousness. He is my wisdom. He is my knowledge. He provides the strength and peace that get me through life.  On those days when I think of myself as self-sufficient and independent of everyone (including GOD), I always seem to get into the biggest scrapes. Those are the days when I lose my keys. Those are the days when I don’t do well on the quiz that I spent hours studying for. Those are the days when I find out that something big has gone wrong at financial aid. Those are the days when I am confronted with my insufficiency.

Today, I had one of “those days”. I won’t bore you with the details; just know that for some reason I felt superior to everyone today. I don’t know if my actions or speech reflected that, but I know my thoughts did.

And then I went to chapel, where GOD used several things to smash my heart into pieces. The first was something I had written at the top of a random page in my Bible. I don’t remember who said it or when, but what I had written was this: “Holiness doesn’t come from an outward obedience of rules”.  I felt like GOD had taken a chisel to my stone cold heart and chipped out a piece of me. I sat in my seat mentally replaying the ways I had recently obeyed the LORD in my actions, but not in my thoughts.

However, He proceeded to desecrate the rest of the rock formerly known as my heart. One of the first things out of the speaker’s mouth was, “Get your head on straight”. (I almost tuned him out in fear of another sports analogy. However, he soon redeemed himself.) He spoke on the passage of Mark 8:31-38, where Peter rebukes Jesus for His teachings, and Jesus says, “Get behind me Satan! For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (OUCH!) There was much more to his message and he used other passages, but that first part was what hurt. Why can’t I seem to “Get my head on straight?” Why do I set my mind on the things of man and not the things of GOD? Why do I try so hard to maintain an appearance of perfection when I know that only through Christ’s blood can I be perfected?

Because I’m human. And my understanding of Christ’s blood and the grace of the Father will be tainted with a mortal perspective till the day I die. Until then however, I have this:

‘My grace is sufficient in you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Galatians 12:9-10

My Blog

     If you are reading this, then you must find my life interesting in some capacity. Maybe you're one of my dear, dear friends. Or you're a family member who's curious about my life. Or you're just morbidly curious about the interesting thoughts inside my head.
     Whichever you are, I want to explain why I got a blog. For some reason the thought that someone out there might be reading my random thoughts seems wildly romantic.
          Allow me to define what I mean by romantic:
          romantic: adj. without basis in fact; fanciful,
          fictitous, or fabulous
Also, facebook posts are limited to 400 something characters. And sometimes that's just not enough to adequately force all of my musings and ramblings on the general public. And the English major in me compels me to express myself. So basically, this is practice. Maybe someday I'll be a wildly famous author and anyone who's read this will think back to the days when they didn't have to pay to read my thoughts. In the meantime, they're free here.