Okay so I’m done with the lists. They were fun while they lasted, but I’ve decided that it’s time to use my words now. My creativity has been at a minimum for a while now and the lists kept me going blog-wise. However, it’s time for me to get over my slump and write stuff that means something again. Even if it means my subject matter is unvaried. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.
If you know me at all, you know that I am a ridiculously proud person. At the end of the day, I don’t care what happened so long as I held my head up high throughout the whole thing. This hasn’t been working out so well for me lately...”Pride goes before the fall.” seems so cliché, but it’s the honest to GOD truth.
I want my way. I want things to fall in line and be organized and logical and complete and perfect just because I say so. I want to snap my fingers and have the sun come out (literally...it’s been gray for days around here). I want to know what the right thing to do is without having to sit around for days deliberating and searching and pouting. I want everything to be easy and clear.
Lately however, nothing seems to happen in any of the ways mentioned above. I’m moving, so my room is a disaster zone. I’ve lost so many things today that I don’t even know what all is missing anymore. I’ve said and done the wrong things a lot lately...all because I wanted so desperately to cling to my pride and my selfishness. I’ve been so confused lately...by everything. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t clear my head of the thoughts and desires and emotions that cloud up my logic. Everything is kind of fuzzy around the edges and I’m tired of it. I’m really tired of it.
These have been my thoughts all day as I packed/laid around/studied. It’s funny because even though I’ve been feeling this way for a while, I didn’t actually put it into words or admit it to myself until I started folding clothes and taking books off the shelves. It’s funny because I didn’t recognize how prideful I am because my pride itself was doing its best to mask it. The crux of the matter is this though: no matter how much I try, not everything is going to go my way...in fact the majority of things probably won’t go my way. And even though that sucks, there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it. Things happen the way that they happen and the only thing I can do about them is accept them and respond to them as best I can. So in the meantime I’m going to listen to lots of Ben Folds and work on my poker face.
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