Amazing Because It Is

I don’t have a whole lot to say word-wise tonight, but concept-wise there’s a lot.

GOD has been messing around with my life a lot lately. I don’t know exactly when, but at least a couple of months ago I let complacency and comfort become my main companions. It’s so easy to fall into being lukewarm...and worthless. Obviously, this was not GOD-pleasing in any capacity. And even though I knew that I wasn’t obeying Him, I let myself stay where I was because it was easy. This was a bad choice to put it lightly. Not only has it led to nights full of insomnia and pacing around the room, but it’s also turned me into someone who I don’t want to be. So, GOD has been shaking things up. Which has not been fun. At all.

However, He used these songs to encourage me tonight. They’re actually the point of this post. All that stuff up there kind of came out of nowhere. (I originally wasn’t going to give any sort of premise or anything.) But anyways, listen to all of them. They’re good. If you can only listen to one, listen to "Amazing Because It Is." Or "Hand Grenade." Or all of them.

Hand Grenade

Stop It

Dirty and Left Out

Amazing Because It Is

Things I Spill/Knock Over, Hate, or Feel Apathetic Toward

Lately I keep having these moments of clarity and insight into my life. It’s weird and good and interesting and annoying all at once. Like today for example: this morning I realized that I hate granola bars. This may not seem monumental to you, but it was a serious realization for me for two reasons:

1. Granola bars are one of my main food groups. There are currently two and half boxes of them sitting on my food shelf.

2. I am a really picky person. When it comes to food, if I don’t absolutely love it then I don’t go anywhere near it, let alone eat it.

I’ve also realized lately that I like listening to music a lot better than I like performing it. Unless we’re talking about singing Michael Buble in the shower...I’m all over that. Also monumental in that music is kind of my job right now. It’s not that I hate it, it’s just that I’m so apathetic about it. I start to play and before I know it, I’m no longer thinking about what notes I’m playing; I’m thinking about what my next blog post is going to be or planning one of the numerous writing projects that I have in my head. This makes my employers slightly less than happy with me.

Which brings me to another realization I’ve had lately: I’ve always wished that I were four inches taller, but I think it’s a good thing that that wish never came true because I think I get my way a lot more often because I’m so much smaller than everyone else.  Example: a few weeks ago in the cafeteria I knocked a plate of salad out of a girl’s hands and all over her clothes and the floor. It was not pretty. The people in charge of the cafeteria heard me yelling (because I was more upset by the incident than the girl who just stood there quietly with ranch dressing dripping down her shirt and a piece of lettuce sticking to her face) and came out of their offices and started to yell at whoever it was that spilled that salad everywhere and whoever it was who was causing a scene over it (ironically enough, both were me). Then when they realized it me, their faces softened, and their voices dropped in volume and one of them said to me in a voice that made me feel like I was six years old again, “Honey, it’s okay, this happens in here all the time. It’s really not a big deal, we’ll get it all cleaned up, you just go sit down and relax.”

There are more realizations...but I’m supposed to be writing an Old Testament paper now and I feel like should probably get on that. It’s deep stuff...like of the ocean variety...I need to go find my floaties and inner tube now...

Confession: This Blog Is Now Based On A Lie. Partially

I feel that I owe all of my readers (whether you’re tuning in from facebook because you know me and you like to stay updated on my life, or you’re one of my Canadian/United Kingdom followers who I’m not sure I know, or you’re one of those people who find me on Google) an explanation: I am no longer addicted to coffee, or even caffeine for that matter. I gave it up. Entirely.

So that element of my blog is gone...although if you’d still like to imagine me sipping away at some of that caffeine rich deliciousness as I pour out my thoughts and reflections to my computer screen, feel free. By the way, the confession element of my blog is definitely alive and kicking (and screaming) still though, so don’t worry that that’s going anywhere...ever.

My Two Biggest Wishes Right Now (If I could only have one I would pick the second one.)

This is a pretty meaningless post. Honestly, I’m just going to ramble for a bit because I have a HUGE list of stuff I’m supposed to be doing (namely getting ready for the tests/speech/fine arts presentation/performances/anything that I forgot to put on the list that I have coming up)and I don’t feel like doing any of it right now. I’ve been working off and on all day and now it’s time to sit and think and just...be.

Lately, I’ve been wishing that life came with an un-do button. It would be so easy if every time I made a mistake I could just...un-do it. (RANDOM TANGENT AHEAD: Un-do is such a funny word. Actually, it’s more of the prefix that gets me. It’s strange how we can take words like easy and able and reliable and believable and truthful and desirable and certain and negate them with two simple, teensy letters. All of a sudden they are uneasy and unable and unreliable and unbelievable and untruthful and undesirable and uncertain.)But life doesn’t come with an un-do button. In fact, life doesn’t come with buttons at all. It comes with choices that sometimes you only get one shot at. It also comes with choices that you get several shots at. (Like what to order when you go to Applebee’s. I recently discovered that there’s other stuff on their menu besides chicken strips and cheeseburgers.)

I’ve also been wishing that life came with a free, endless supply of paper and paint. I feel like that would be of great benefit to everyone, not just people who like art. Not only would there be a lot more amazing works of art, but there would also be tons paper to rip when we’re angry and unlimited paint to throw at each other or random pedestrians when we’re bored.

So anyways...it’s probably time for me to get back to speech writing. Which I love. The End.

Please Don't Leave Me

Last night my friend and I were coming back from Wal-Mart, and Pink's song, "Please Don't Leave Me," came on the radio. We were almost home, but I asked her to drive around until it ended, because I wanted to hear the whole thing. It’s one of those songs that I like singing along with, but I’ve never been all that comfortable with the lyrics, so I ignore the words coming out of my mouth when I sing it. However, lately I’ve been trying to focus more on what is being said in a song, rather than just singing along aimlessly (see this post).

So anyways, I sat there listening to what Pink was saying, and it made me realize that that song describes how I treat GOD. I treat Him disrespectfully. I say hateful things to and about Him. I treat Him like He’s my punching bag. I act like He isn’t even worth one of my teensy tiny thoughts, let alone my praise and adoration and ultimate obedience and devotion. Then I turn around and beg Him not to leave me.

Thank goodness for grace...thank goodness for a GOD who extends grace upon grace upon grace...I love Him, so, so much. I can’t wait for the day when I see His face and no longer have any inclination or desire for sin. I can’t wait for the day when He can actually sit me down and explain Himself to me. My perspective of Him is so flawed, and every day I discover more and more misconceptions I have of Him.

Sorry if you think this post is blasphemous or something. These have just been my thoughts all day today and I wanted to get them out.

My 2011 New Year's Resolutions

A few weeks ago I came across an article that I thought was really interesting. I almost didn’t read it because the title was about learning to love yourself, so of course I wrote it off as potential worthless trash. However, I was feeling facetious so I decided to read it for a laugh.

Granted, a lot of the stuff on there was really trashy. There was one thing that it mentioned though that really caught my attention. It was this, “Ruthlessly evaluate your life and cut out the things that aren’t working.” I sat there for a while, thinking about what a neat idea that was, then I moved on to reading an article about modern art.

If you’ve been keeping up with me on here, or if you have spent very much time with me lately, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t exactly been in the cheeriest of moods for the past few weeks. My posts haven’t exactly been bursting with sunshine and lemonade.

Things lately have been rough. It’s been a long semester with a lot of stress and a lot of changes. My attitudes and reactions to these things have also been rough. In fact, they have made not so great situations downright unbearable. Somehow I had gotten to the point where I even pushed GOD away because I wanted to hold onto my selfishness and negativity and pride...which made things even worse.

This past week has been the toughest of my whole life. I messed up a lot. Thank goodness I have a roommate who has poured out grace after grace on me and who sat and held me as I lost it last night.

So this morning I got up and thankfully was surrounded by reminders that the LORD’s mercies are new every day. I love Him so much. I hate that I so easily forget how good and gracious and loving He is. I sat around for most of the day feeling sorry for myself and nursing a heart full of guilt and shame in light of the grace I have been given.

Then my roommate made me get out of bed. This was monumental in that I hadn’t gotten out of bed in almost 24 hours. She took me to sonic and a store and the park. I whined the whole time. She played a song in the car that I didn’t want to hear. I tried to open the door and get out while she was driving. Then she took me back to our room and assured me that she would be back at eight (she already had plans, she wasn’t hiding from me if that’s what you’re thinking.)

I started to get back in bed. Then I had a thought, “Why do I let myself consistently hold onto negativity and guilt? Why do I feel the need to have extreme pity parties? Since when is it okay for me to constantly remind everyone around me how awful I think life is?” I was reminded of that article I had read a few weeks before. (I would post a link to it on here, but parts of it were kind of...sketchy.) So I did it. I re-evaluated my life. And then I printed it off and made it pretty so that when I look at it every day, it won’t be quite so bad. Some of the things on here aren’t going to be hard for me at all. Some of them...are not going to be very fun...in fact, they’ll probably be pretty painful. Also, I’m going to fail. A lot. But Jesus and I are going to get through it together. I’m trusting Him to sustain and equip me on this road to being at peace with myself, with others, and with the LORD.

So anyways, here’s the list. (I would like to warn you beforehand that when I say ‘talk to strangers’ I don’t mean creepy men in gas stations.)

·         Stop doubting myself

·         Stop looking for answers to meaningless questions

·         Stop procrastinating

·         Stop blaming others

·         Stop judging others

·         Stop waiting to live

·         Stop needing reasons to be happy

·         Stop caring what people think

·         Stop being negative

·         Stop comparing myself to others/being envious

·         Stop gossiping

·         Stop overdoing it...I have limits

·         Stop taking myself too seriously

·         Stop focusing on the past

·         Stop hiding

·         Stop pretending to be smarter, better, and stronger

·         Stop constantly saying, “I’m sorry”, “I can’t”, or “I don’t know.”

·         Call my family often

·         Do kind things for others

·         Forgive others...and myself

·         Talk to the women I live with regularly about my feelings and thoughts

·         Learn to control myself

·         Learn to listen rather than ignore

·         Meditate/sit silently for 10 minutes every day

·         Read a novel for 20 minutes every day

·         Pray often

·         Read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and night

·         Seek out peace and rest

·         Rely on the LORD for sustenance

·         Talk to strangers...regularly

·         Make decisions and stick with them

·         Praise GOD often

·         Spend less time on facebook/e-mail

This is a confession, but I don't really feel like putting what it's about in the title.

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re slapped in the face with your own selfishness? I have several times, but today was probably the most painful, heartrending, and stomach sickening one I’ve ever had.

Today, more than ever, I understood what Paul meant when in Romans 7:15 he said, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Later he goes on to say in verses 18 and 19, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” These were my thoughts over and over again this afternoon and evening; thoughts of guilt and condemnation. I feel as if GOD has taken a mirror and held it before me and forced me to look at the wretch that I am. Oh the joys of introspection...

But enough of all that...conviction is good, but being trapped in guilt is bad. Also, it’s beneficial to pick up where we left off in Romans:

For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. (7:22-8:2)

How true this is...GOD is so good. His grace is sufficient. In fact, it’s more than sufficient. I would say more, but I feel like tonight it’s better to let the WORD speak instead. My own words aren’t quite coming to mind as freely as usual anyways.

As a post script, I would also advise anyone reading this to go buy The Autumn Film’s song, “Wreck of Innocence”. Don’t think, just do it. It is one of the best investments you will ever make. Also, while you’re at it get their song “Love In Spite of Me” as well.

Confession: I think I'm becoming scatterbrained.

I am losing it. I don’t know exactly what it is I’m losing, but I do know that it’s slowly slipping out of my grasp. Hopefully it’s just an end of the semester/year phase.

I am not late for things. Ever. I do not forget things. Ever. I lose things a lot, but I always find them after looking for five minutes. Always. Essentially, I love rules, organization, and schedules.

You know how far I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole when as I walk to class my mantra to myself has become: “Tomorrow I will not be late. Tomorrow I will know where my keys are. Tomorrow I will not forget that I have to go to work. Tomorrow I will not stay in the shower for half an hour.”

Yesterday I left work in the middle of work. I had been there for an hour, and for some reason I thought I was done; even though I had two more hours to go. Today, I went back to my room to get take a short nap and I ended up leaving almost everything that I needed there when I finally made it out the door. I went back four times. The first three weren’t so bad, because they all happened while I was at least still in the building. I got out the door and realized I didn’t have my phone. I got halfway down the stairs and realized I didn’t have my iPod. I got to the lobby and realized I didn’t have my keys. Those ones weren’t quite as bad as the fourth time though...I got all the way to the music building, sat down and started working on my Fine Art’s project and twenty minutes later I realized that I didn’t have any of the music I needed for work. Of course I realize this five minutes before a lesson. I ran (and by ran I mean I walked quickly) back to my dorm. Thankfully my friend took pity on me and drove me back to work while listening to me rant about how I’m losing it.

I wish I knew where my mind has gone...because I want to join it...I suspect it’s vacationing somewhere in Europe, most likely somewhere near one of the Guggenheims...that sounds nice.

Justification

This morning I had a headache, so I didn’t go to church. Instead I lay in bed and listened to this and ate cookies and drank coffee. I think it’s an hour long, but it’s really good. I skipped through most of the beginning, but I love the middle and the end.

Things That Right Now, In This Moment, I Really, Really Love

 

v  Ice

v  Nichole Nordeman’s album “Woven and Spun”

v  Sprite

v  Fans

v  Weather that is warm enough that you can wear shorts without your legs freezing off, but cool enough that you can wear jeans and not feel like you’re sitting in Dante’s Inferno.

v  Headbands and ponytail holders

v  GOD

v  The fact that GOD loves me

v  The fact that GOD loves me in spite of me

v  Also that fact that GOD has enabled me to love Him back, albeit in a way that is not even comparable to how He loves me because the depth of my feelings is even smaller than a kiddie pool you would buy for your dog compared to the depth and intensity of the ocean of GOD’s love, but He still helps me in my small and limited way to love Him all the same

v  Nail Polish

v  Encouraging (handwritten and actually mailed with stamps on them) letters from relatives

v  My roommate’s couch

v  The ability to be barefoot

v  Procrastination...I’m supposed to be studying for my two tests on Monday/starting a project that’s due in two weeks...guess what I’m doing instead

v  Wind

Confession: I am a much better gift reciever than a gift giver.

So lately I’ve been developing a small U2 obsession. All of my current playlists contain at least three U2 songs. This is one of my more recent discoveries. The first time I heard it, I thought, “Oh what a nice song...I like the words...they make me think of Jesus.” Then I went about my day and forgot all about it.

These past couple days have been rough. Little, teensy, ridiculously miniscule things have not gone as I wanted them to and I’ve had a nasty attitude as a result. I have been mean to and impatient with almost anyone who’s come into contact with me. The worst part was when I realized how far I’d let my attitude spiral out of control. I had said something snide and catty to one of my favorite people (over the internet of course, so my tone was even worse sounding than if it had been in person), and as soon as I hit enter I regretted the words I had typed. Of course I was stubborn and I let them hang there while I waited for a reply, instead of apologizing right away like I should have. I knew that I was wallowing in self-pity and I knew that I was being stupid and stubborn, but I didn’t want to admit it because that would be a step towards changing my attitude, and honestly, I crave the selfishness of allowing myself to sit around and mope...even if it is over nothing.

So today after class I was still feeling a little guilty about said conversation and I decided that rather than sit around and mope about it I would take a walk and ask GOD for grace...which is exactly what I did. It’s such a beautiful day out and I felt such a relief just to rest in the knowledge that the LORD loves me and has poured out His grace in my life. Then I came back to my room and started to work on my Fine Art’s project. I turned on a random playlist and U2’s “Grace” started playing...I remembered my initial reaction. Then I had another thought: “Why doesn’t my life look like this song?”

I have always seen grace as something that I get to receive. Grace in my mind has always been all about me. It never occurred to me that grace was something that I should be sharing with others. Grace should be my mindset and my lifestyle. It’s not though...and as ironic as this statement is, thank goodness the LORD pours out His grace on me...because this whole living out grace thing is going to be quite a work in progress.

I give up.

I’ve been having these moments lately where I every time I read a book or look at a painting or listen to a song I seem to find a piece of myself. You know about some of them if you’re a regular reader here. (If not, you can catch up here and here.) Anyways, it happened again with this song. I’m not a big crier, but this one brought me pretty close to it. The graphics are a little strange (although they made me laugh), but the song is really, really good. 

There are so many things that I worry about and waste energy and mind space obsessing over. But honestly it doesn’t do me any good; at all. I have been checking my mailbox every day, three times a day for a scholarship letter that was supposed to come three weeks ago. A sane person would realize that they didn’t get the scholarship and give up on the letter coming and move on and be okay with it. I chose to pretend that it got lost in the mail and would come eventually if I checked my mailbox often enough.

I have so many questions that I want answered; questions for GOD, for the people around me, for myself. I feel like I am constantly thinking, if not saying, ‘What if?’ or ‘How do you know?’ or ‘Why?’.

But living that way doesn’t work. It’s okay to have questions, and it’s okay to be uncertain. But it’s not okay to obsess over things because I can’t understand or control them. So I’ve decided to start giving up.