Confession: I belong on the show 'Hoarders'.

Lately my mum and I have been watching the show, “Hoarders” together. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve strayed pretty far into neat-freak territory, so watching this show always seems to fill me with a strange mixture of anxiety and a desire to throw out everything in sight. So of course, for the past week I’ve been sorting out every single thing in my closet and dresser, under my bed and couch, and on my bookshelf. I don’t know how in the world I’ve accumulated so much stuff! I have thrown out five trashbags full of stuff and there are eight boxes sitting in my garage waiting to be sold and I'm still not done!

Here are some realizations I’ve had as a result of my extreme sorting:

1. I will never ever give a stuffed animal as a gift again.

2. I will never wear that pile of clothes that I have set aside in my closet for ‘just in case I might want or need them’.

3. Storing heavy stuff on the top shelf is stupid. It will fall on you.

4. There is no reason to have six curling irons when you only have two hands.

5. I will never in a million years be able to sew anything resembling clothing. Therefore, that huge box of patterns I’ve been using as a coffee table probably should find somewhere else to live.

6. I really and truly hoard books. I’ve gotten rid of ten. There are hundreds more overflowing off of my shelf and stacked on top of my dresser and TV. I refuse to part with them.

In conclusion, I think that you should come to my yard sale and buy all of my stuff at drop bottom discounted rates. Please.

A Break From Blogging

I needed a break. So I’m taking one. I don't know for how long, but I'll be back eventually, with more cleverness, wit, and insight to brighten up and enlighten your life. Also, I've temporarily given up on facebook and my e-mail, so if you need me you probably have my number. If you don't have my number you probably don't need me.

The End of the Lists and the Beginning of...

Okay so I’m done with the lists. They were fun while they lasted, but I’ve decided that it’s time to use my words now. My creativity has been at a minimum for a while now and the lists kept me going blog-wise. However, it’s time for me to get over my slump and write stuff that means something again. Even if it means my subject matter is unvaried. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a ridiculously proud person. At the end of the day, I don’t care what happened so long as I held my head up high throughout the whole thing. This hasn’t been working out so well for me lately...”Pride goes before the fall.” seems so cliché, but it’s the honest to GOD truth.

I want my way. I want things to fall in line and be organized and logical and complete and perfect just because I say so. I want to snap my fingers and have the sun come out (literally...it’s been gray for days around here). I want to know what the right thing to do is without having to sit around for days deliberating and searching and pouting. I want everything to be easy and clear.

Lately however, nothing seems to happen in any of the ways mentioned above. I’m moving, so my room is a disaster zone. I’ve lost so many things today that I don’t even know what all is missing anymore. I’ve said and done the wrong things a lot lately...all because I wanted so desperately to cling to my pride and my selfishness. I’ve been so confused lately...by everything. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t clear my head of the thoughts and desires and emotions that cloud up my logic. Everything is kind of fuzzy around the edges and I’m tired of it. I’m really tired of it.

These have been my thoughts all day as I packed/laid around/studied. It’s funny because even though I’ve been feeling this way for a while, I didn’t actually put it into words or admit it to myself until I started folding clothes and taking books off the shelves. It’s funny because I didn’t recognize how prideful I am because my pride itself was doing its best to mask it. The crux of the matter is this though: no matter how much I try, not everything is going to go my way...in fact the majority of things probably won’t go my way. And even though that sucks, there’s nothing I can do about it but accept it. Things happen the way that they happen and the only thing I can do about them is accept them and respond to them as best I can. So in the meantime I’m going to listen to lots of Ben Folds and work on my poker face.

Road Trip Must-Haves

7. my IPod (complete with enough Imogen Heap, Ben Folds, and Michael Jackson to last the whole trip)

6. IPod charger

5. at least one novel

4. sonic coupons

3. sunglasses

2. food (preferably as full of carbs as possible)

1. camera

Words That Are Hard to Spell

8. accommodate (I have trouble with words that have double consonants for some reason.)

7. tomorrow

6. accompanist

5. occurring

4. allegorizing

3. protein (It doesn’t follow the i before e except after c unless it says a as in neighbor and weigh rule.)

2. caffeine (It has a double consonant and it doesn’t follow the rule: doubly confusing.)

1. speaking/speech (I have trouble remembering which one has an a and which one uses two e’s.)

Things I Love About Wuthering Heights

7. My copy, which happens to be in five pieces, opens to my favorite part of the book; the last time Cathy and Heathcliff are together.

6. Hareton Earnshaw, the only male character in the entire book who is both interesting and good.

5. The way Joseph speaks. I have to read all of those parts out loud because Emily wrote the dialect very strangely.

4. Cathy’s perniciousness. No matter how crazy and hormonal I get, reading about how nuts Cathy is makes me feel really good about myself.

3. The way Cathy and Heathcliff love each other. Even when they can’t be together, they still feel that they are a part of each other.

2. The ending. I love that Cathy’s daughter Catherine and Hareton end up together. It makes the fact that Cathy and Heathcliff couldn’t be together a little bit better.

1. Heathcliff. Even though he’s a horrible person, the way he loves Cathy is amazing. They don’t just have a warm fuzzy love, they are a part of each other, and they even refuse to allow death to separate them. It’s extreme. It makes me happy.

DIYs I Want To Try

7. Apron of Holding – hopefully at some point this summer I will make this because I really want something like this for when I clean.

6. Shoe Makeover – I’m not really a big ruffle person, but I do really like these shoes.

5. Altoids Tin Mini Garden – I love altoids. I love plants. Enough said.

4. Twiggy Eyes – I’d never actually heard of her before, but I have a feeling that at some point in the near future I am going to have to do my makeup like hers.

3. Flower Origami Ball - I don’t know why I would ever need to have this, but I think it’s really pretty.

2. Milk Crate Coffee Table – hopefully I can make this before next semester so I can have it in my dorm room.

   1. At Home Screenprinting – I think it’s a nice idea, but we’ll see if I ever get around to it.

A Post That's Guaranteed to Shock

Surprise! It's not a list! Okay so I know I’ve already posted today and I know that this is my seventeenth post in May already and it’s only May fifteenth, but I have some thoughts that I want to get out that do not involve making a silly little list. (Not that I don’t love the lists, I’m actually having a lot of fun with them, but right now they seem a little...trivial in comparison to the thoughts stemming from a sermon I heard this morning.)

It’s been a strange semester for me. I’ve been through a lot of changes and a lot of really strange stuff happened...some good, some bad, some neither good nor bad, and some of it I change my mind daily about the relative goodness and badness. I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few weeks. I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help. I’ve learned that it’s okay to quit things. I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to let go of your pride and admit that things aren’t how they’re supposed to be. I’ve learned that those are the times when you discover who really cares about you, because at the end of the day those people are the ones who you have messages in your inbox from and those are the ones who sit you down and tell you honestly what they see in you that is good and what is...not so good. (Sorry for that run-on sentence.) I’ve learned that those are the times when the LORD seems the closest.

So anyways, that’s all irrelevant to what I actually want to say, but not because that’s the perspective I had when I went to church this morning...whatever. The Biblical text used was the book of Nehemiah, which I’ve never read. In fact, the pages of Nehemiah were stuck together in my Bible. Basically, the sermon was about how Nehemiah felt a strong burden for the spiritual well-being of the people of Israel, so he prayed and wept before the LORD that the wall of Jerusalem would be restored (I might not be getting all of this right, I still have yet to read the book.). The crux of the matter was, how often do we feel some sort of burden, and rather than going before the LORD with passion and faith, we instead spend a few minutes in prayer before passing the baton onto someone who we believe is more capable? (Again, sorry about the run-on...I’m in one of those moods.)

As I sat in the pew this morning, I realized how often I focus on the things I am not capable of, when I should be spending that time praying and weeping before the LORD instead of lying in my bed alternating between worrying and moping. (And there was yet another run-on...) I also realized that even though I often feel convicted or burdened about something, I leave it at that. I never actually end up doing anything about it. But it’s not enough to just feel something and not take any action. So rather than allow these feelings of conviction to pass, I’m going to do something with them, and the first step is to read the book of Nehemiah.

Weekly Rituals

10. cleaning the bathroom at least once, hopefully twice

9. taking all of the stuff that has accumulated on the floor of my closet and flinging it across the room so that I have to put it away

8. archiving/deleting every e-mail in my inbox

7. hiding something important (usually keys) from myself

6. turning on some Brooke Fraser while eating anything I can find containing large amounts of sugar

5. spending ten minutes in child’s pose or bound pigeon pose while attempting to meditate

4. washing the dishes that have accumulated either on my desk or the shelf by my bed

3. going to church

2. discovering some new way to either shock or annoy my roommate (unintentionally, of course)

1. running around spraying my can of glade air freshener while singing really loudly

Date Night Ideas

7. roller skating

6. kayaking

5. searching for books at a library

4. exploring an art or history museum

3. anything involving eating Italian food (think carbs)

2. sitting in a coffee shop pretending to be intellectual

1. going to see Wicked (guess what I’m listening to right now)

On My Wishlist

8. a new puppy

7. a genuine Monet painting

6. an unlimited amount of money to waste on ITunes

5. size five red high heels

4. a mop for my dorm room

3. more books

2. a new USB cord for my IPod (mine is being held together with duct tape)

1. an unlimited supply of expensive perfume samples

In My Bag

13. a notebook

12. my speech textbook

11. a Bible

10. a water bottle

9. a tin of altoids

8. my ipod

7. a copy of Gone With the Wind

6. a legal pad

5. my cell phone

4. chapstick

3. a pencil

2. an R.S.V.P. fine point black pen

1. keys

Blog Goals

4. to have 5,000 hits by the end of the year. I’m currently sitting at 2,874.

3. to write another post that comes up on search engines as often as this post.

2. to be found by a prospective employer who thinks this blog is extremely clever and amazing.

1. to magnify the LORD.

Least Favorite Words

10. Skinny – I think this word is impolite. We have nice ways of saying a person is overweight, we should have nice ways of referring to a person who is slightly underweight, like thin.

9. Dumpster – this word just makes me feel gross.

8. Squat – another word that is just plain nasty.

7. Boyfriend – this one just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel much better saying ‘significant other’ or just plain, ‘boy’.

6. Chalk – I always feel gritty when I hear or see or say this word.

5. Funk – every time I say this word someone mishears me and it’s embarrassing.

4. Halo/X-Box/Call of Duty/Playstation/any sort of video game reference – I hate them. When I hear one of those words come out of someone’s mouth I know to prepare for hours of sheer boredom. Unless it’s a Wii of course, I don’t mind those.

3. Pudding – even though I like eating it, it still makes me feel weird and slimy to say it.

2. Any sort of Charles Manson reference – ever since I read Helter Skelter, I have not been able to hear conversations about him or The Beatles or the sixties in the same way. This post is actually about him.

1. Heath Ledger – he’s a sore subject for me. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he’s dead or the fact that he was in Brokeback Mountain. I wrote this poem about him.

Goals for the Week

10. Finish making all of my finals study guides.

9. Learn all of the words to the songs, “No Good Deed” and “What is This Feeling?” from Wicked

8. Start packing to move out of the dorm.

7. Finish a paper for Old Testament.

6. Finish my extra credit assignments for World Lit.

5. Locate my syllabus for Old Testament.

4. Eat at least one cheeseburger.

3. Clean the windows.

2. Clean out my fridge.

1. Finish my jar of peanut butter so I don’t have to take it home. Also the rest of the food I have lying around.

Today's Playlist

20. Angels Don’t Fall In Love by The Bangles

19. Nothing Without You by Danyew

18. Cemeteries of London by Coldplay

17. At the Cross by Hillsong

16. Can’t Take It In by Imogen Heap

15. C.S. Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser

14. American Honey by Lady Antebellum

13. Vegas by Sara Bareilles

12. Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

11. Wonderful Maker by Jeremy Camp

10. Psalm 145 by Shane and Shane

9. The Call by Regina Spektor

8. Real World by Matchbox Twenty

7. Stronger by Delirious?

6. Apologize by One Republic

5. Suicide Blonde by Jack’s Mannequin

4. Soundtrack For Our Movie by Mae

3. I Caught Myself by Paramore

2. Tribute to Failure to Excommunicate by The Vitamin String Quartet

1. Grace by Addison Road

I Am Looking Forward To...

10. the contemporary poetry class I’m taking in the fall. We’re studying the Pulitzer Prize winners!

9. taking accidental naps on my parents’ porch this summer.

8. Christmas. Who isn’t?

7. going to church tomorrow.

6. spending time with my baby brother this summer. I miss him.

5. having a dog around again. Even though he’s a pest, it will be nice to see him this summer.

4. taking a community college class this summer. It will be nice just to have one class...even if it is biology...yuck.

3. dancing to Michael Jackson music with old friends (also this summer).

2. the day when I have my own house full of paintings and books.

1. going to Heaven and seeing Jesus.

A Mothers' Day Post

This is about a woman who inspires me. For eighteen years I have watched and admired and loved her. She has given me so much of herself. She is so beautiful and strong and full of devotion to the LORD.

She is kind and compassionate. I have listened as she shared stories about people in her life who are lost and the call she feels just to be a friend to them. I have watched her spend an hour digging through piles of jeans in search of a pair that would fit a boy in a children’s home. Once a few years ago, she walked in my room and I was crying for no real reason. She asked what was wrong and when I said I didn’t know, she didn’t shrug it off, she just held me until the ache stopped.

She brings such joy to my life. She never fails to remind me that she loves me and is thinking of me. I have so many cherished letters and cards from her full of hopes and prayers for my future and beautiful reminders that she cares for me.

I laugh with her harder than I do with almost anyone else. I love nothing more than to sit on the couch with her and laugh over how my brother shows off. I love sitting around the table at Thanksgiving with her and all of my aunts and listening to them talk and laugh.

I miss her. This Mothers’ Day will be the first one that I won’t be with her. (Sorry, I had to pause to cry for a second and I lost my train of thought...so much for finishing that paragraph!)

Dearest Mumzy, I love you! I hope that you have a wonderful Mothers’ Day! PS, Dad has your card from me, I don’t think he’ll forget to give it to you, but now you know, just in case!

Things I Am Good At

10. Making lemon drop cookies.

9. Reading novels in fifteen hour time periods.

8. Making my bed in the morning.

7. Writing papers.

6. Being quiet.

5. Making grilled cheese sandwiches. Also pizza rolls.

4. Confusing people when they ask for directions to places.

3. Enjoying works of art, music, and literature.

2. Singing Jennifer Knapp music.

1. Taking accidental naps.

A Few Things About Myself

10. I have a really faint birthmark on one of my legs. You can only see it when I’m tan. Which means you can’t ever really see it.

9. I miss coffee. A lot.

8. I just spent two hours sitting on a merry-go-round at the park in the rain with a really good friend.

7. There’s a hole in my arm from where I had blood drawn two days ago. It’s really distracting. For me at least.

6. I really like yellow roses.

5. I call my mother ‘mum’. I am not British.

4. I just finished reading a book about all of the paintings in the museum this post is about.

3. I am currently in the process of writing a novel. I think I have to scrap what I have so far though. It just isn’t working.

2. My eyes look like pond water.

1. I really like the book of Psalms.

30 Days of Lists

30 Days of Lists  This is a link to the site where I got the lists  which I will be blogging over the next 30 days!

For Once I Can't Think Of a Title

I love it when I re-discover something. This morning I re-discovered this song. It’s one of those songs that I go back to no matter where I am at in life. It’s not very well written, and she actually rhymes longer with longer at one point which is...kind of embarrassing to say the least. But all the same, I love the message.

GOD is so good. It’s such a comfort to rest in the knowledge that no matter how much I try to hide or run away from Him, He still pursues and chases after me. No matter how unsatisfied I am with my circumstances or myself, He still is willing to take me as I am; He doesn’t require that I have the perfect attitude or the perfect mental state or the perfect anything. Instead He pours our Christ’s blood on me and tells me that I’m forgiven and loved and accepted and whole and healed and free in Him. I don’t measure up, but that’s okay. Because the LORD is willing to take me as I am.

A Season of Doubt

(The formatting is weird because my parents have Word 2003. Also, I’m not in a proofreading mood. Sorry.) I’m supposed to be sleeping right now...obviously, that isn’t happening. Instead I’m sitting in front of my parents’ computer hoping that if I can just find the words to express all of my thoughts then that will silence them for an hour or two so that I can rest.

I heard a sermon on doubt this past Sunday. The pastor talked about Thomas and the Disciples and Moses and the Hebrews and Gideon and David and how they questioned GOD so much, and instead of getting angry or upset that they didn’t believe His promises, GOD met their doubts. GOD confronted their unbelief and then showered them with grace and encouragement and comfort.

I have doubts. I have insecurities. I have unanswered questions. But at the end of the day, all the doubt and the worry and the questions are meaningless. They leave me broken and empty.

GOD is working in my life right now. A lot. But He isn’t doing what I want Him to. I want Him to answer my questions. Instead He leaves them unanswered and throws a few more my way. I want Him to make me feel whole and complete and healed. Instead, He is breaking me. I want Him to show me the future that He has for me. Instead, He is hiding even the immediate future from me, namely, tomorrow.

But there is a reason that He is working this way. I don’t know it, but He does and that’s enough. I heard a Paul Washer sermon a couple weeks ago that was actually talking about Hell, but something he said really stuck with me and I’ve been hearing it in my head over and over these past few days, “Repent and believe because He is worthy.” I like this, because it takes me out of the picture. It’s not, “Repent and believe because you will feel better.” It’s not, “Repent and believe because then you will look like a good Christian.” It’s, “Repent and believe because He is worthy.”

In Mark 9:14-29, Mark tells the story of how Jesus healed a Demon possessed boy. The father of the boy begs Jesus to have compassion and heal his child. And Jesus responds with “All things are possible for one who believes.” The father’s response is what gets me though. He says, “I believe; help my unbelief!” I heard those words spoken on Sunday and they have been my prayer since then.

GOD is enough. He is sovereign and full of grace, compassion and love. He is carrying me right now through this season of doubt and unbelief. He is worthy and He is good. And this is just a season. Seasons change.

“Who is a GOD like You, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of His inheritance? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; He will tread out iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old.” Micah 7:18-20