Lately I've been struggling with contentment...again...being content is a really big problem for me, if you haven't figured it out yet.
But it's morphed from where it was here, to this new weird sort of thing where I'm not content with myself or my relationships or where I am in life, because I miss how those things used to be. I want to go back to how things were.
But I can't. Everything has changed. I've changed.
I struggle more with trust now than I ever have. I find myself constantly questioning GOD, myself, and the people around me. When did it start taking effort to actually feel like I actually believe that things that I know to be true?
But not all of the changes have been bad.
I doubt GOD more, but somehow He seems greater. I guess because I feel weaker than I ever have, He seems stronger than He ever has to me. I've also learned that it's okay to move around outside of my little Baptist box (a scary thought for me!).
I see a lot of growth in myself too...not nearly as much as I would like to see, but some progress is better than none. When I was younger I did a science project with plants where I put one next to a window and another in a closet. After letting them grow for a few weeks, I compared the two. The one that had been by the window was beautiful (as far as plants go), and perfect. The plant that had been kept in the dark was a strange shade of green, and contorted in weird ways because it had struggled so much to find light. I kind of feel like the plant kept in the dark, right now...I've grown, but not really in the way I feel I was meant to.
On the flip side of that, that plant had absolutely no choice about where it was placed; it had no control over how much light it got. I put it where I wanted, so that it would serve my purpose, not it's own. I guess that's how GOD is.
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