I'm so angry I could spit.

This is the most disgusting, heart-breaking, sickening thing I have ever watched. It is literally fifty four minutes and twenty seconds of recorded hell.

And you know what the suckiest part it? I have no idea what to do. I want so desperately to change this video, to make the things it depicts just go away, but I can't. There are no quick fixes or easy answers

Yeah maybe I can do something to "raise awareness" or some stupid thing like that, but honestly what good does that do? What the heck does knowing about something do if we're not actually doing something about it?

So go ahead and click "like." Go ahead and "share" this. Let's see where that gets us.

And this isn't a problem that we can just throw a bunch of money at either. I mean, yeah money helps, but it's not going to make evil, selfish people who want to use innocent, good people go away.

Which faces us with another dilemma: whose job is it to prosecute these people? Who is responsible for making the bad guys pay for the lives they have stolen?

And how do we give back to the millions of broken and scarred people what has been stolen from them?

I have no answers. I wish I had some sort of brilliant method or idea that would somehow make the horribleness of human slavery stop. But I don't. I'm just one of many angry college students who's griping about something on the internet.

So in writing this post I've broken two of my biggest blogging rules...1. Never blog during a moment of extreme anger. 2. Never blog about an issue or cause.

It's Days Like This

So the sun is shining and it's all warm and balmy outside...it's days like this that I just want to run outside and climb a tree and forget about homework and classes and tests and papers (not to mention the yells of Campus Safety and Security regarding the insurance policy the campus doesn't have that makes climbing trees a liability...seriously, I'm paying enough tuition that I think the campus could definitely afford to get an insurance policy that lets me climb their trees...).

It's days like this that make me think of this verse:

"Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest." Psalm 55:6

There's just something about Psalms that has captured my heart. Not that the rest of the Bible isn't great, but Psalms really seems (to me, at least) to depict what being a human striving after GOD means. It holds such a huge range of expressions of thoughts and feelings and prayers And there's just something about knowing that the things I think and feel and pray have been thought, felt, and prayed before.

So that's my digression for the day...now back to studying and working on my projects!

I put a snake in her bed. And then I paid for it.

So last night I got the chance to catch up with some old friends. We sat around reminiscing about the stupid stuff we used to do together...or rather, the stupid stuff I would do while they watched, and inevitably the snake story was brought up...

I've never really been known for tolerating other peoples' freak-outs very well...I freak-out enough on my own, is it really fair to expect me to deal with other peoples'?!? So a couple years ago at church camp when a bunch of girls came up screaming about how they'd seen a black snake in the room that twenty something of us were sharing, I knew that I had to take care of the freaking-out-ish-ness.

And what did snarky adolescent Rachel decide to do? She decided to get a hold of a little snake of her own.

Granted, I'm way too chicken to ever dream of touching a real snake...so after much thinking, plotting, and borrowing, I managed to come up with a nice snake-sized stick covered in black duct-tape. She wasn't much to look at in the light, but in the dark she was a beauty! Then I connived my friend into helping me amp up the drama by adding her own screams and agreeing to turn on the lights when I gave her the signal.

That night I sat in the bathroom until I thought everyone was just about to fall asleep. I slipped into my bed as that hush that you only hear at the end of an exhausting day at camp fell over the room. I lay there breathing and trying to work myself into enough of a terrorized state to sound convincing. Then I opened my mouth and said in a shaky voice, "What is that?!? Oh my gosh guys! Snake! Snake!"

(It was very very real sounding...you don't understand the full drama of the situation just reading what I said...)

So then my friend hopped out of bed and ran screaming toward the light switch, which she flipped on, and I jumped out of bed and threw my little snake friend in the middle of the floor and everyone screamed and then I got yelled at and it was hilarious. The lights got turned off, girls got back in their beds, we all tried to calm down.

A normal person would let the story end there...

But when one girl announced that I had scared her so badly that she then needed to go to the bathroom...I couldn't help myself. She went into the bathroom and I slithered out of my bed and across the room to her bed with my snake friend, which I promptly deposited on her pillow.

It all would have went off without a hitch if there hadn't been a huge metal pole in the middle of the room...

I had actually remembered that the pole was there and I started to feel for it when I thought I was getting closer...but alas my arms had already passed where the pole was. So I found it with my face. And of course, it made a huge "THUNG" that the whole room heard.

So not only did I nearly break my nose, but I barely remember the girl coming out of the bathroom and freaking out after finding the present I'd left on her pillow.

And guess what! The story doesn't end here either!

Because the next day when we were all sitting on my friend's bed playing cards (yes, the friend who'd turned the lights on), guess what slithered out of her mattress. That's right kids...the real snake had been in HER bed the whole night.

And of course, everyone jumped off the bed...except for yours truly...who just sat there staring down the little beast and said, "I think GOD is punishing me guys."

I'll leave the details of the catching and killing of the snake to your imagination because they're not very interesting or uncommon. It was caught. It was killed. I survived to play pranks on another day.

I will say though...I play pranks FAR less often now.

Blessed are the rational, for they shall logic their way into Heaven.

My whole life I've held the understanding that my faith in GOD is a matter of logic. I went to Christian school where I was taught all of the arguments and reasons why Christians are right and everyone else is wrong. In my lifetime I've spent approximately 4,000 hours in Churches, Chapels, Youth Camps, and Bible Studies and I would daresay that at least 1,000 of those were dedicated to teaching me how to logically defend my faith in GOD.

No one ever taught me how to defend my faith from myself. No one ever really prepared me for the day when the hard questions were coming out of my mouth. I had all the right answers for every person and every situation. Except for myself.

I live in a very logic-centered culture. I live in a world where things are rational, defined, and certain. Or at least that's what they're supposed to be. And when things pass beyond the bounds of reason they're usually written off.

But today in Church I realized something: I can't logic my way into Heaven. And for that matter, I can't logic my way into GOD's heart. Because for now not every single doubt is going to be reassured; not every single question is going to be answered.

Which is probably why there are so many verses in the Bible about faithfulness. I've always loved those verses because I felt like they were a nice reassurance of GOD's faithfulness towards me. But a quick re-read during the car ride home showed me that I was missing part of the equation. Yes, the LORD is faithful to me. BUT He also wants me to be faithful to Him. In 1 Corinthians, Paul talks a lot about faith and how it's important to have faith in the power of GOD and not in the wisdom of men...which means that GOD wants me to have faith in Him...in spite of how illogical it may seem to be.

Still Lacking Originality

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

From A Grief Observed

by C. S. Lewis

Schuyler Fisk Soothes My Soul

So it's the week before Spring Break and things are crazy and my room's a mess and things just seem...overwhelming.

So I'm laying in bed covered in dark chocolate wrappers and listening to this song over and over...

Not Exactly Original

So it's raining out and I'm listening to Jennifer Knapp and guzzling coffee and pretending to read Paradise Lost...

But instead I'm thinking about this poem, because I think it was written for a day exactly like this one...

Lines for Winter
By Mark Strand 
 

for Ros Krauss

 

Tell yourself

as it gets cold and gray falls from the air

that you will go on

walking, hearing

the same tune no matter where

you find yourself—

inside the dome of dark

or under the cracking white

of the moon's gaze in a valley of snow.

Tonight as it gets cold

tell yourself

what you know which is nothing

but the tune your bones play

as you keep going. And you will be able

for once to lie down under the small fire

of winter stars.

And if it happens that you cannot

go on or turn back

and you find yourself

where you will be at the end,

tell yourself

in that final flowing of cold through your limbs

that you love what you are.

No Longer in Love

So this post has been brewing in my mind for a while...

It all started when I read this comment on a Facebook post a week or two ago:

"We try so very hard to create perfection in our lives because we believe it will give us something more. In actuality, all we are doing is putting our imperfections on a pedestal. Sometimes, you just have to look at it and say, ”close enough”, and get on with life."

A few days before that I'd written my little rant about modern Christianity that if you missed you can read here. At the end of that post I talked about how I've changed since I first started blogging. And that I didn't really know how to describe that change, but that I just knew it had taken place. 

So when I read the above statement about perfection it got me thinking...it's been a long time since I have been obsessively consumed with being perfect. I'm no longer in love with flawlessness.

If you're new around here then you've missed this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, and this post. 


Just kidding. I don't really expect you guys to read all seventeen of those. So I'll sum them up for you.


Basically all of them in some way ranted about my lack of perfection and my extreme desire to be completely and totally flawless. Looking back I can't believe how consumed with being perfect I was! I see the idolatry I committed over and over again by focusing fully on my flaws (Did you like my alliteration there?!?).


When I look back at my year and a half of posting I see a girl who has spent a long time being way too hard on herself. Introspection, conviction, and bettering oneself aren't wrong. But being imprisoned by guilt and the desire for perfection is.


How did my making myself miserable glorify GOD? How was I supposed to have the time and energy to focus on Him when I wasted all of that time and energy trying to be perfect? 


Now I've learned to strive for peace instead of perfection. Peace with GOD. Peace with the people in my life. Peace with myself. 


This is such a more beautiful place in life to be.

Alex and Roseanne: My Favorite SBU Couple

Give Me Something to Believe

So I kind of had something cool happen today in church...

Lately I've been struggling with the gray areas of faith. I mean, there are so many things out there that I have absolutely no idea how I should feel about! Most days lately I have no idea what the right things to say or think or do or believe or pray are. And I don't do so well when I find myself at a loss...

So while I was crooning "Come Thou Fount," I realized this:

Jesus never had gray areas. He never sinned because He made the wrong decision in a moment of uncertainty.

And I think that's really cool.

Angst Is a Funny Word...Angsty Is a Made-Up Word

So for the past week I've kind of been in a funk. I think the late nights I'm putting into writing my handbook to Greco-Roman mythology are starting to get to me.

I've literally written/filmed and then deleted thirty six angsty teenager-ish posts. Yes. Thirty six. That's 36 for those of you who haven't caught on yet. And I thought I would let you all know so that you could appreciate the willpower I've been exercising to hold back the angst.

I've got five months and five days of being a teenager left. I still have a small angst allotment left to use up.