Dissatisfaction

For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.

- Ecclesiastes 1:18

To borrow a line from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, "The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it."

Some days I hate knowing things. I hate knowing that there are problems in this world that can't be fixed. I hate that there are paradoxes with no solutions. 

I've been feeling this way a lot lately...

So of course I found it ironic when today in class one of my professors addressed this type of feeling. It's an upper-level psychology class and lately we've been talking about some pretty dark mental problems. The kind that can't really by fixed and that usually affect more than just the person who has them. 

I have hated this part of the class more than I've hated any other thing I've learned in school (including my math and science classes, which is really saying something). I've never dreaded going to class so much as I have during this section of Abnormal Psychology.

So today the professor read us the above verse out of Ecclesiastes and then he said he had a question for us. But he prefaced his question by telling us that he wanted us to consider our answers not just in light of the class, but also in the grand scheme of learning in general.

He asked us, "Would you go back? If you could, would you unlearn all of the things that you hate knowing about? Would you trade being wise for nice feelings?"

Food for thought...

English-y Thoughts...Kind Of

The other night I was bored so I pulled out the textbook from my very first literature class. It was a two credit class that surveyed world literature. The book weighs seven pounds and it christened my birth into the world of, "Excuse me young lady but I'm afraid you're much too small to be carrying a book that big." 

I'll never forget how intimidating that class was. I'll never forget how much time I spent trying to understand what the heck was going on. Mostly I'll never forget the feeling that I would never in a million years be able to figure out what these archaic authors were trying to tell me.

Five giant literature books later I still find myself fighting the same feelings. But it's funny because with each new semester I find that I understand things in a different way. The difficult classes I've had these past few years make so much more sense now that I'm not in them!

It's strange how hindsight seems to give me the clearest insight into things. 

In a few days my blog will be two years old. It's strange to look at some of the things I've posted over those two years. So many memories live in between the thousands of lines I've written. It's funny to look back at things and think about how now I would approach them in a completely different way. And it's refreshing to look back at other things and know that I did the right thing. 

Anyways, it's almost one in the morning and I can't sleep...hence the thoughts that lead to post-writage. Why do I always seem to start my major thinking after 11 pm?

Un-Learning Helplessness

So I have this really awkward "I haven't posted on here in forever and this feels really familiar and yet really strange" feeling. It's weird, but I've felt like I needed to write on here for a few days now...to the point that I would log in, type a line, delete it, and then log out (this happened four times). I'll honestly be surprised if I actually end up posting this. (One of my professors always says, "How about dishonestly?" when he hears someone preface a statement with the word honestly. And now whenever I say it I get this Holden Caufield-like feeling that I'm just a phony.)

Things right now are weird. Everything is weird - on a macro-level and a micro-level. I'm about to give up on reading the news because it just depresses me. But it feels like everything is weird on a personal level too. For everyone.

A few months ago I was talking with a friend about prayer and she said something that I had always felt but had never quite had the courage to vocalize: "Prayer just doesn't seem to work fast enough."

I feel that now, more than ever. This morning in church as I prayed for a family friend who had lost her son in a car accident last night, I found myself getting a defeatist attitude. I just want to feel like my prayers are actually doing something - like they're actually worth the breath required to speak them.

I'm taking Abnormal Psychology this semester and it's screwing with my mind (for that matter, all of my classes are doing that this semester, but that's a story for another place and time). A few classes ago we talked about the principle of learned helplessness. Some guy (whose name I should remember but don't) did an experiment with dogs where he tied them up (or caged them or something) and he shocked them. At first the dogs tried to get away, but eventually they learned to be helpless. So when the guy untied (or uncaged or whatevered) them, they didn't run away when he shocked them, even though they could have.

As I studied for that class tonight and remembered that principle, I realized that even though prayer doesn't seem to work fast enough, that doesn't mean that it doesn't work. And that also doesn't mean that it always works more slowly than I want it to. Maybe the answers to my prayers come at times and in ways that I don't realize or recognize. 

Also I'm going to actually post this because I ended up with some half decent thoughts that are far less confusing than they were when they were in my head.

Some Nostalgia...

Tonight I was looking through some pictures and I came across this one:

Sam, Me, Abigail, and Bekah

This is me with my three best friends from when I was in high school. The four of us had the type of friendship where we all were in tune with each other - metaphorically, and literally. We used to just sit around a piano and I would play it and we would all sing random stuff...usually hymns or something by the Barlow sisters, but every now and then we'd write stuff of our own to sing. I still have the one song we actually completed memorized by heart.

We didn't really start off as friends. In fact, the beginning of our friendship was so rocky that my senior year of high school I chose to write my memoir (and eventually a short children's book) about how the four of us met and didn't get along at first. In the memoir I said that we all bonded over playing a card game together, but I have an embarrassing confession: the truth is that we really bonded because one day when we were at youth camp one of them told a joke and I laughed so hard I peed my pants in front of the three of them. And they each swore a solemn oath that they would never tell. And then they helped me sneak back into our dorm so that I could change clothes.

I still laugh thinking about it...

None of us went to the same school so all throughout high school many of my weekends were devoted to, "the girls" as everyone called us. Or at least that's how my parents referred to them. And how their parents referred to the rest of us.

I was always the one to come up with bad ideas, Abigail was always the one to help me carry out my bad ideas, Bekah was always the one to tell us the idea was bad, and Sam was always the one to clean up after the idea blew up in our faces.

The time that I fell on a treadmill at our youth leader's house and left a dent in the wall and a skid mark on the running part of the thing, Bekah and Sam weren't there. I think that situation might have ended a little differently if they had been. Instead, good old Ab was with me to cheer me on as I turned it on high speed and tried to run my hardest...

Although one time Ab and I converted Sam to the dark side. This was at my fourteenth birthday party, when we got her to sneak out of my house with us so that we could play a prank on all of the other girls at two in the morning. I got in trouble for that one...

We had a sisterhood...funny nicknames for each other...we made up funny futures with husbands for each other...the works when it comes to girlhood. 

And then one by one we each finished high school. We each went our separate ways and started to do our own things. We all made new friends. We just...grew apart. We still get together about once or twice a year, but it's not really the same.

Anyways, those are my thoughts tonight.

Post Church Camps Thoughts

Lately I've been thinking a lot about joy. I worked at a camp this past week and the whole time I found my prayers mostly asking that the the campers and the staff there would be joyful and would be able to really rest in the knowledge that GOD is beautiful and His creation is beautiful.

I feel like sometimes (or a lot of times) us church-goers get so caught up in serving others and reading our Bibles and praying harder and going to church stuff and preaching to our non-Christinan friends about how they should be just like us and maintaining our nice Christian facades and etc...

And then we miss out on the point of it all.

It seems like (at least in my case) it's really easy to let that stuff become the focus. It's so easy to get caught up in the dailiness of church and then I miss out on the joy that comes from just being in communion with Christ. Because quite honestly, that kind of joy is really what being a Christian is about.

I feel like it's so easy to lose sight of what we really ought to be doing: loving GOD and loving others. And we do that because we are so focused on taking care of the ten million tasks we have to get done for our service projects and our mission trips and our youth conferences.

Anyways, I have more to say but my dad wants the internet so I'm signing off for now. I might post again later if I think about it, but I'm not really sure if I'll remember because I still haven't quite caught up on my sleep.

My Super Exciting Summer

Why You Should Never Question My Pride...Or My Ability to Win Something

I love summer camp...sigh...a couple of months ago I wrote about a prank I played on a bunch of girls the last time I went to camp. If you missed it you can catch up here. Anyways, today as I was eating a quesadilla with super hot salsa I on it I remembered another thing that happened to me at a summer camp.

I was about to turn 17 and I was a counselor at a camp in Nebraska. It was the end of the week and I was tired and GRUMPY. (Random fact about me: I'm kind of the opposite of a gremlin, I turn into a monster if you DON'T feed me after midnight.) We were having this sort of challenge thing that was typical of the camp atmosphere and guess who got called up on stage...yup, the tired, grumpy gremlin.

So I clambered my way to the front and waited for them to announce what we had to do. I eyed up my competition: a couple of boys who thought they were tough, an older guy who really was tough, and one girl who looked like she was just as tired and grumpy as I was.

And then they anounced that we would be having a contest to see who could consume the most hot sauce.

Let me just say that prior to this I had never eaten anything that didn't have a "mild" label on it. And even that was known to bring tears to my eyes. So I didn't exactly feel...confident about this one.

And then the three males I was competing against made the biggest mistakes of their lives:

"At least one us dudes has got this. I mean, they're girls, they don't stand a chance."

"I know that I've got this one in the bag."

And then the last one looked at me and said, "You might as well quit now. You're not going to win anyways."

So of course I scrunched up my face all angry-like and picked up my first medicine cup of hot sauce and threw it back before the others could. Everyone watching got really quiet. Then they all cheered for me and made me feel good about myself. After everyone else stepped up and swallowed theirs one by one.

Three rounds later the other girl went and sat down.

Four rounds later they brought up even hotter hot sauce. I think it was called "The Bomb" or something sinister like that.

The guy who told me that I might as will quit left before even trying it. Not going to lie...I snickered at him as he walked past me.

There were three of us left. I was really scared on the inside but this was a matter of pride for me so I didn't let any of it show. Looking back it's really funny how someone belittling me over something stupid got that big of a rise out of me.

By the eighth round everyone was tired of watching us...so they declared that the last three of us had tied. I was super dissapointed that I didn't get the chance to beat everyone else...

And then I realized that my mouth, throat and stomach hurt really badly.

And then I ran out of the room and threw up all over the bathroom. Literally. All. Over.

My Favorite Boy

My baby brother has an orthodontist appointment this afternoon...I don't know why, but for some reason his getting braces has solidified in my mind that he's not really a baby anymore. This morning he and I sat on the porch and just...talked. And it was weird because I realized that he's not some kid I can boss around anymore...

It seems like just yesterday little seven year old me was mothering my new best friend...



Wasn't he adorable?!? Also I'd like to add
that that is my bike he is riding and those
are my baby converse that he is wearing.

And watching him pretend to be a squirrel...I hope he never sees this because he'll die of embarrassment, but for years he talked about being related to squirrels. I don't really know why.

I feel like I'm allowed to post this super embarrassing picture of
him because it is also a super embarrassing picture of me...but
anyways, there he is, front and center, doing his squirrel pose!
Although I think he might actually be doing a groundhog imperson-
ation in this picture...it's exactly like his squirrel one though!

He's also always had a thing for explosives...one time my parents caught him trying to puncture a can of spray on sunscreen because he wanted to know what the explosion would be like.



This is him and one of our cousins running away
from something they had just set on fire...

I'd post a new picture of him, but I can't find one and I'm too sad to try to get him to let me take one. Also I don't want him to know I posted about him because he'll kick my butt. And he's the same size as me now, so he actually can.

Stuff I Love Right Now

1. My Pandora radio station that's based on Blondie's song "Call Me"

2. Sweet Tea

3. Walks with my dog

4. The Book of Common Prayer (a friend gave me a really pretty copy before I left school and I'm kind of in love with it)

5. This Song

6. This Song

7. The book about faeries that my mumzy got for me. It has really pretty pictures.

8. Leg Warmers. I'm bringing leg warmers back. Not right now though. In the fall. And I can't wait!


9. Chocolate Chip Cookies

10. The movie "We Bought a Zoo" (I love the lion!)

Conviction In the School Newspaper

About a week ago a guy from my school wrote an article about how he feels about the music department at our school. He called out the students and the staff for making fun of people, gossiping, and spreading malicious rumors. I, of course, had been in my own little world this whole time so I missed out on the ensuing battle of anger and retaliation. So when a friend told me about the article today, the Nosy Nelly that lives inside of me couldn't help herself from going on a quest to find a copy of the school newspaper.

Two buildings later...voila!

So I sat down to take in the juicy details because let's be brutally honest here...I worked in that building for a semester...so...it might have felt a teensy bit nice to hear them being called out.

But as I read I didn't feel the satisfaction I thought I would find there. I found...conviction.

For every hurtful thing that's ever been said to or about me I have probably said at least three. I mean, I'm really good at never saying anything mean to someone's face. I'm even better at saying atrocious things behind peoples' backs though.

And as I read that article I realized that it doesn't start with the music department changing it's ways. It doesn't start with the people around me becoming model citizens about whom I never have anything negative to say. It starts with me, because at the end of the day I am literally the only person I can control. The funny thing about words is that when you're around someone who only uses kind ones it's harder to use mean ones.

Little Man Syndrome

Sometimes I'll be eavesdropping on peoples' private conversations and person A will make a statement that person B doesn't agree with, and if said statement has any sort of religious methodology then person B will say something along the lines of, "I'm surprised GOD isn't striking you with lightning right now!"

Of course, that statement is usually just a joke. It's a funny way of telling someone you think he or she is doctrinally out of line. But the other day I was talking about those kind of statements with a friend and we both came to the conclusion that the general consensus of Christians must be that GOD has "little man syndrome."

So of course I decided to do a little research into the Napoleon Complex...using my favorite trusty resource, Wikipedia!

And you know what, they had something interesting to say: "The term is used generally to describe people who are driven by a perceived handicap to overcompensate in other aspects of their lives...The conventional wisdom is that Napoleon compensated for his lack of height by seeking power, war and conquest."

I see this a lot. I think a lot of the times Christians tread carefully around GOD because we think that He needs us. We've somehow come to the conclusion that we have to be careful about offending GOD or somehow hurting His ego. We can't point out the things about Him that are confusing or illogical because secretly we view those as being (Dare I say it?) handicaps.

Now then, I'm not saying that it's okay to just go around saying things that one knows are deliberately untrue about GOD or that we ought to treat GOD flippantly. It's wrong to push GOD's buttons. And it's something I never care to do.

However. I am proposing that maybe, just maybe GOD can handle our confusion about Him. In fact, I would go so far as to say that even when we make crazy accusations at Him when we're upset, He doesn't get angry. I bet He even kind of understands. He gets that we're human and that a lot of the time the stuff He does doesn't really make sense to us. In fact, it's far less limiting to GOD for us to recognize that GOD can handle our "doctrinally out of line" statements.

GOD isn't some egomaniac on a power-trip. I think that's plainly demonstrated by His willingness to let us choose whether or not we want to obey Him, trust Him, or even just plain believe in Him. GOD strongly desires those things from us, but if we don't give them to Him, He'll still go on being GOD. He's not some little man suffering from insecurity who needs followers and countries and kingdoms and power to feel like He really is GOD. He wants and deserves those things. But He does not need them, nor is He defined by them.

Puppies and Profanity

So this clip has a lot of bad language. You've been warned.

Bridesmaids...oh Bridesmaids. One of the most inappropriate movies I have ever seen...and yet at the same time, it's one of the most real movies I've ever seen. Granted, I usually can't manage to stay awake during movies.

I see glimpses of myself in the main character of this movie. In fact, I think almost every female who has actually sat down and watched this movie finds a little piece of herself in Annie. Whether it's in her failed dreams, broken relationships, or the plain and simple fact that she can't manage to get her tail lights fixed. 

For me, it's Annie's tendency to lie on the couch and cry about life. Every time I watch that movie I find myself fixated on this scene. Confession: I'm a moper. I have dedicated a large amount of my life toward throwing myself pity parties on the couch. I don't really know why other than it fills me with an artificial sense of satisfaction.

But every time I watch this movie I realize that I don't want to be an Annie. I want to be a Megan. I mean, I don't want to go around tackling and biting people all while screaming profanities at them...but I do want her attitude. Later on in the scene Megan talks about how when she got made fun of in high school she chose to be happy with who she was rather than going home crying to mommy. She chose to work hard to achieve what she wanted, and rather than moping on the couch when she failed, she picked herself up and started over.

And heck, Megan ended up with nine puppies. So I think she's sitting pretty.

#that moment when you realize you're a hipster

So guys...I think I might be a hipster. But only in the most minimalistic sense of the word! But the other day a friend pointed out that I have hipster-ish qualities so now I've been obsessively thinking about it and trying to decide if I really am one or not. So I made two lists. One has the reasons for why I might be a hipster and the other is reasons why I definitely am not one.

(Reasons I Might Be a Hipster)

1. I have said the words, "I am not a hipster." on numerous occasions. Classic hipster move.

2. I wore this sweater with shorts earlier this week. It wasn't cold. I just wanted to wear the sweater.

3. One of my favorite phrases: "That's ironic."

4. These are the books that I read for fun. I feel like the fact that I have read Atlas Shrugged twice permanently places me in the hipster category...

5. I have a blog. And I regularly post on it. (Obviously)

6. I write poetry when I'm bored in class.

7. I watch a lot of documentaries.

8. I'm really good at being pretentious and pretending like I know what I'm talking about when secretly I have no clue what the heck is going on.

9. Sometimes I try to play the guitar.

(Reasons Why I Am NOT a Hipster)

1. I don't frequent snotty coffee houses...instead I just brew it myself. Or go to Starbucks. A hipster would never set foot in Starbucks, right?

2. One of my minors is in Criminal Justice. That's super un-hipsterish, right? I mean, what kind of hipster has time to think about laws?  

3. There are no indie/alternative films in my movie collection. Just don't look at my iTunes account...

4. I don't carry a messenger bag.

5. I don't wear hipster-looking glasses. I wear librarian-looking glasses.  Although the bangs might make this a moot point. Granted, I grew out my bangs so...

6. I don't own a pair of Toms.

7.  When I'm upset I dance around and sing to Britney Spears and N'Sync music.

8. I don't own a bike.

9. I...don't have a lumberjack-like beard?

So I guess it's a toss-up...

Guh! I can't think of title.

Welp. I just finished my last project for the semester. I'm not a big cram-session studier, so finals week won't require too much effort so...I guess I'm kinda done. At least with the whole homework/essay/project end of things...

At the end of my fourth semester of college I think I can safely say that this might have been my craziest. Each of my semesters here have been unique and fun and strange and amazing and awful and busy all rolled into one, but I think of all of them I grew the most during this one. Maybe not in ways that are noticeable to anyone, but introspectively, I see it.

Tonight I sat down and for the first time in a while I found myself thinking ONLY about the things I wanted to without feeling guilt or worry about other things that needed to get thought about (or done). I love being in school and I love having stuff to do...but it's nice to finally sit down with a cup of a tea and a memoir and just...relax. It's also really nice to be able to roll over in my bed without knocking a bunch of books and papers onto the floor.

So anyways, back to the growth thing, which is the real direction I was headed in...

A couple days ago I was facebook stalking an old friend and I found a bunch of pictures of myself...and at first I didn't recognize me. And it was weird. Here was one of them:

And it made me think about how different things are now. Not just that I look differently, but how I just...am differently. (Like my misuse of grammar for effect there?!?)

Something they don't teach you about growing up is that you don't just discover new places and new people and new things...you discover different ways of being. I mean, I'm still the same old Rachel in some ways...I still can't do math to save my life, I'm still picky about food like nobody's business, and I still spend massive amounts of time in my bed...but at the same time, I am different.

I'm probably not doing my thoughts justice here, but I really need a cup of tea and your eyes probably need a break from my rambling so I'll just leave it at that. PS I have never in my life had trouble coming up with a title. Just saying. It's a fluke.

Facades vs. Love

So it's morning...

I just woke up. And things still look a little fuzzy around the edges.

My eight o'clock class is canceled for the rest of the week. So I'm sitting on my bed wrapped in my comforter, eating a banana, and pondering life. Because that's just what I do.

Have you ever felt like you're just using GOD? Maybe you want to fit in with a certain group of people, to catch the attention of that certain person, or maybe it's just yourself you're trying to impress...but you use GOD to get what you want out of people and yourself.

(PS This isn't really something I'm struggling with right now, it's just something that's on my mind. Okay. End random interjection.)

There's a certain lifestyle that I see a lot of Christians struggling to attain and/or maintain. I watch men try to be "Godly men" who tie up their entire manhood in their relationship with GOD. I watch girls try to force themselves into super perky attitudes because they don't ever want to be perceived as not having joy. I watch people try to dress and act and think and say and be the right thing. And they try really, really hard.

But there's nothing really there.

I think I can safely say that I have entered the realm of maintaining the "Christian" facade and emerged on the other side with the realization that I don't have to be exactly like every other Christian. I've been there. So I also think I can safely say (from experience) that chasing after a lifestyle is empty. It's difficult. And at the end of the day you're left with memories of how you either managed to piece together enough of a good lifestyle to impress your fellow believers...or you're faced with how you failed.

How much easier and freeing it is to just do what Jesus commanded: Love GOD. Love others.

I've found that with just those two simple things...everything else just seems to fall into place. Yeah I screw up. But the nice thing about loving GOD is that in order to love Him the way He wants you to, you have to allow Him to forgive you your failures.

And the other nice thing about letting go of the lifestyle and just loving GOD and others is that it tends to eliminate the gray areas that we Christians run into. Rather than looking at something and struggling over whether it's right or wrong, black or white, you're faced with this question of if whatever it is you want to do will be loving to GOD and/or loving to others.

Fairytale of New York

So even though this is a Christmas song I've been running around singing it these past few days. I love this song (in spite of the occasional smattering of bad words) and I really love this video. The way they look at each other just makes me sigh...

Something about watching them just sit and relax and croon away on a rooftop inspires me to just chill out. Lately I've been very caught up in stuff that quite frankly doesn't really matter. And somehow this song is GOD's way of telling me, "Just chill out already. Relax. Take a nap. Read a book (that's not for class). Climb a tree. Call someone just to say, 'I love you.' Enjoy being in school instead of dreading class. Sing in the shower instead of moping about random crap."

I am a very tired girl.

I am making a horrid face in this thumbnail...that's embarrassing.

Confusion Abounds

So I'm at the parentals' house and I forgot my computer at school...so I can't post my drawings right now. But don't worry, I'll have four for you guys when I get back to school.

In the meantime...I have some Easter-ish thoughts. Kind of.

I've been thinking a lot lately about contradictions. Or at least, things that seem contradictory.

Here are some of the main ones I've been chewing on mentally:

1. The whole "first shall be last and last shall be first" concept. I guess I'd just never thought about how illogical it is that "the meek shall inherit the earth." But at the same time, it's not illogical. The people who really really really desire power don't deserve it. Because they want power as an end in itself. So it makes sense that someone who is humble would be better at holding power and authority.
2. Vulnerability as a means to strength. This one is hard for me to grasp because I'm not a fan of vulnerability. It makes me cringe. It almost makes me feel sick to my stomach. And yet...if we're incapable of opening up to others then isn't that a weakness? So in fleeing weakness we become weak...hmmm...confusion abounds.
3. Death as a means to life. Paul tells us that we must become a living sacrifice. Does anyone else not see the irony here? Sacrifices are usually dead or headed in that direction! But we're called to die in order to recieve life. And I'll be honest, on a microcosmic level I'm having trouble figuring out what that looks like. On the flipside of that, on a macrocosmic level I can just look to the cross. Christ died so that we might live. He wanted (and wants) us to have spiritual and physical life because of His sacrifice. So I guess maybe that helps us understand the whole living sacrifice concept. Kind of.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. Most likely they make no sense because I've only had half a cup of coffee this morning.

My Favorite Food

Welp...it's either pizza...or REALLY smelly cheese.

My Favorite Animal

My favorite part is his cute little tail! Also...for those of you who don't understand art, my favorite animal is a lion. Duh.

Self Portrait

So I've taken to stumbling in my free time again...for those of you who don't know what StumbleUpon is...Google it...for those of you who don't know what Google is...maybe you can find a tutorial about how to use Google on YouTube...good luck. May the force be with you and all that jazz.

So anyways, I stumbled on this today...

And I'm taking the challenge. So here's day 1:

 

Doesn't it look just like me?!? One day that'll be on display at the Met. Oh and I really want to be at the lake today. Hence the fishing baseball cap. 

I HATE the Hunger Games.

I'm so angry I could spit.

This is the most disgusting, heart-breaking, sickening thing I have ever watched. It is literally fifty four minutes and twenty seconds of recorded hell.

And you know what the suckiest part it? I have no idea what to do. I want so desperately to change this video, to make the things it depicts just go away, but I can't. There are no quick fixes or easy answers

Yeah maybe I can do something to "raise awareness" or some stupid thing like that, but honestly what good does that do? What the heck does knowing about something do if we're not actually doing something about it?

So go ahead and click "like." Go ahead and "share" this. Let's see where that gets us.

And this isn't a problem that we can just throw a bunch of money at either. I mean, yeah money helps, but it's not going to make evil, selfish people who want to use innocent, good people go away.

Which faces us with another dilemma: whose job is it to prosecute these people? Who is responsible for making the bad guys pay for the lives they have stolen?

And how do we give back to the millions of broken and scarred people what has been stolen from them?

I have no answers. I wish I had some sort of brilliant method or idea that would somehow make the horribleness of human slavery stop. But I don't. I'm just one of many angry college students who's griping about something on the internet.

So in writing this post I've broken two of my biggest blogging rules...1. Never blog during a moment of extreme anger. 2. Never blog about an issue or cause.

It's Days Like This

So the sun is shining and it's all warm and balmy outside...it's days like this that I just want to run outside and climb a tree and forget about homework and classes and tests and papers (not to mention the yells of Campus Safety and Security regarding the insurance policy the campus doesn't have that makes climbing trees a liability...seriously, I'm paying enough tuition that I think the campus could definitely afford to get an insurance policy that lets me climb their trees...).

It's days like this that make me think of this verse:

"Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest." Psalm 55:6

There's just something about Psalms that has captured my heart. Not that the rest of the Bible isn't great, but Psalms really seems (to me, at least) to depict what being a human striving after GOD means. It holds such a huge range of expressions of thoughts and feelings and prayers And there's just something about knowing that the things I think and feel and pray have been thought, felt, and prayed before.

So that's my digression for the day...now back to studying and working on my projects!

I put a snake in her bed. And then I paid for it.

So last night I got the chance to catch up with some old friends. We sat around reminiscing about the stupid stuff we used to do together...or rather, the stupid stuff I would do while they watched, and inevitably the snake story was brought up...

I've never really been known for tolerating other peoples' freak-outs very well...I freak-out enough on my own, is it really fair to expect me to deal with other peoples'?!? So a couple years ago at church camp when a bunch of girls came up screaming about how they'd seen a black snake in the room that twenty something of us were sharing, I knew that I had to take care of the freaking-out-ish-ness.

And what did snarky adolescent Rachel decide to do? She decided to get a hold of a little snake of her own.

Granted, I'm way too chicken to ever dream of touching a real snake...so after much thinking, plotting, and borrowing, I managed to come up with a nice snake-sized stick covered in black duct-tape. She wasn't much to look at in the light, but in the dark she was a beauty! Then I connived my friend into helping me amp up the drama by adding her own screams and agreeing to turn on the lights when I gave her the signal.

That night I sat in the bathroom until I thought everyone was just about to fall asleep. I slipped into my bed as that hush that you only hear at the end of an exhausting day at camp fell over the room. I lay there breathing and trying to work myself into enough of a terrorized state to sound convincing. Then I opened my mouth and said in a shaky voice, "What is that?!? Oh my gosh guys! Snake! Snake!"

(It was very very real sounding...you don't understand the full drama of the situation just reading what I said...)

So then my friend hopped out of bed and ran screaming toward the light switch, which she flipped on, and I jumped out of bed and threw my little snake friend in the middle of the floor and everyone screamed and then I got yelled at and it was hilarious. The lights got turned off, girls got back in their beds, we all tried to calm down.

A normal person would let the story end there...

But when one girl announced that I had scared her so badly that she then needed to go to the bathroom...I couldn't help myself. She went into the bathroom and I slithered out of my bed and across the room to her bed with my snake friend, which I promptly deposited on her pillow.

It all would have went off without a hitch if there hadn't been a huge metal pole in the middle of the room...

I had actually remembered that the pole was there and I started to feel for it when I thought I was getting closer...but alas my arms had already passed where the pole was. So I found it with my face. And of course, it made a huge "THUNG" that the whole room heard.

So not only did I nearly break my nose, but I barely remember the girl coming out of the bathroom and freaking out after finding the present I'd left on her pillow.

And guess what! The story doesn't end here either!

Because the next day when we were all sitting on my friend's bed playing cards (yes, the friend who'd turned the lights on), guess what slithered out of her mattress. That's right kids...the real snake had been in HER bed the whole night.

And of course, everyone jumped off the bed...except for yours truly...who just sat there staring down the little beast and said, "I think GOD is punishing me guys."

I'll leave the details of the catching and killing of the snake to your imagination because they're not very interesting or uncommon. It was caught. It was killed. I survived to play pranks on another day.

I will say though...I play pranks FAR less often now.

Blessed are the rational, for they shall logic their way into Heaven.

My whole life I've held the understanding that my faith in GOD is a matter of logic. I went to Christian school where I was taught all of the arguments and reasons why Christians are right and everyone else is wrong. In my lifetime I've spent approximately 4,000 hours in Churches, Chapels, Youth Camps, and Bible Studies and I would daresay that at least 1,000 of those were dedicated to teaching me how to logically defend my faith in GOD.

No one ever taught me how to defend my faith from myself. No one ever really prepared me for the day when the hard questions were coming out of my mouth. I had all the right answers for every person and every situation. Except for myself.

I live in a very logic-centered culture. I live in a world where things are rational, defined, and certain. Or at least that's what they're supposed to be. And when things pass beyond the bounds of reason they're usually written off.

But today in Church I realized something: I can't logic my way into Heaven. And for that matter, I can't logic my way into GOD's heart. Because for now not every single doubt is going to be reassured; not every single question is going to be answered.

Which is probably why there are so many verses in the Bible about faithfulness. I've always loved those verses because I felt like they were a nice reassurance of GOD's faithfulness towards me. But a quick re-read during the car ride home showed me that I was missing part of the equation. Yes, the LORD is faithful to me. BUT He also wants me to be faithful to Him. In 1 Corinthians, Paul talks a lot about faith and how it's important to have faith in the power of GOD and not in the wisdom of men...which means that GOD wants me to have faith in Him...in spite of how illogical it may seem to be.

Still Lacking Originality

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

From A Grief Observed

by C. S. Lewis

Schuyler Fisk Soothes My Soul

So it's the week before Spring Break and things are crazy and my room's a mess and things just seem...overwhelming.

So I'm laying in bed covered in dark chocolate wrappers and listening to this song over and over...

Not Exactly Original

So it's raining out and I'm listening to Jennifer Knapp and guzzling coffee and pretending to read Paradise Lost...

But instead I'm thinking about this poem, because I think it was written for a day exactly like this one...

Lines for Winter
By Mark Strand 
 

for Ros Krauss

 

Tell yourself

as it gets cold and gray falls from the air

that you will go on

walking, hearing

the same tune no matter where

you find yourself—

inside the dome of dark

or under the cracking white

of the moon's gaze in a valley of snow.

Tonight as it gets cold

tell yourself

what you know which is nothing

but the tune your bones play

as you keep going. And you will be able

for once to lie down under the small fire

of winter stars.

And if it happens that you cannot

go on or turn back

and you find yourself

where you will be at the end,

tell yourself

in that final flowing of cold through your limbs

that you love what you are.

No Longer in Love

So this post has been brewing in my mind for a while...

It all started when I read this comment on a Facebook post a week or two ago:

"We try so very hard to create perfection in our lives because we believe it will give us something more. In actuality, all we are doing is putting our imperfections on a pedestal. Sometimes, you just have to look at it and say, ”close enough”, and get on with life."

A few days before that I'd written my little rant about modern Christianity that if you missed you can read here. At the end of that post I talked about how I've changed since I first started blogging. And that I didn't really know how to describe that change, but that I just knew it had taken place. 

So when I read the above statement about perfection it got me thinking...it's been a long time since I have been obsessively consumed with being perfect. I'm no longer in love with flawlessness.

If you're new around here then you've missed this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, this post, and this post. 


Just kidding. I don't really expect you guys to read all seventeen of those. So I'll sum them up for you.


Basically all of them in some way ranted about my lack of perfection and my extreme desire to be completely and totally flawless. Looking back I can't believe how consumed with being perfect I was! I see the idolatry I committed over and over again by focusing fully on my flaws (Did you like my alliteration there?!?).


When I look back at my year and a half of posting I see a girl who has spent a long time being way too hard on herself. Introspection, conviction, and bettering oneself aren't wrong. But being imprisoned by guilt and the desire for perfection is.


How did my making myself miserable glorify GOD? How was I supposed to have the time and energy to focus on Him when I wasted all of that time and energy trying to be perfect? 


Now I've learned to strive for peace instead of perfection. Peace with GOD. Peace with the people in my life. Peace with myself. 


This is such a more beautiful place in life to be.

Alex and Roseanne: My Favorite SBU Couple

Give Me Something to Believe

So I kind of had something cool happen today in church...

Lately I've been struggling with the gray areas of faith. I mean, there are so many things out there that I have absolutely no idea how I should feel about! Most days lately I have no idea what the right things to say or think or do or believe or pray are. And I don't do so well when I find myself at a loss...

So while I was crooning "Come Thou Fount," I realized this:

Jesus never had gray areas. He never sinned because He made the wrong decision in a moment of uncertainty.

And I think that's really cool.

Angst Is a Funny Word...Angsty Is a Made-Up Word

So for the past week I've kind of been in a funk. I think the late nights I'm putting into writing my handbook to Greco-Roman mythology are starting to get to me.

I've literally written/filmed and then deleted thirty six angsty teenager-ish posts. Yes. Thirty six. That's 36 for those of you who haven't caught on yet. And I thought I would let you all know so that you could appreciate the willpower I've been exercising to hold back the angst.

I've got five months and five days of being a teenager left. I still have a small angst allotment left to use up.

Week One of Lent

This post might make you mad...or worried about me.

This post is potentially blasphemous and it might upset you/make you angry...fair warning.

Lately I've been finding myself questioning current Christian Rhetoric. It all started when I watched this video:

Seriously though...if you spend even a minute amount of time around a female Christian you've probably heard at least one of those phrases. If you search my blog thoroughly enough I bet you could find a couple of them that I myself have said (or written, if you will)...I know that I've said some of those things in conversation before.

Why?

When I look back over my (super long expansive life of) nineteen years, I see a girl who spent a lot of time trying to fit in with her fellow believers. I read Josh Harris's books at the ripe age of fifteen and because of them chose to "kiss dating goodbye." I cried at all of the youth events and "re-dedicated my life" more times than I care to admit. I learned to play Casting Crowns by ear. I said and did all the right Christian stuff. I went along with all of the trends because I wanted to be cool.

Now that I'm all grown up I find myself facing Christian fads and trends that I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with...

I mean, I don't wear toms. I don't go to a cool church that has a coffee shop in it. I want to get a tattoo (but NOT of a verse or some Christian phrase or symbol). My bookshelves are covered with nineteenth century novels, volumes of poetry, guides to writing well, books about Greco-Roman mythology, and manuals about security and crime prevention. I haven't read Radical. Nor do I plan on reading it (not that it matters because I'll never have enough free time to read what I want ever again anyways!).

And then there's this. My blog. My baby. 183 posts ago I began putting itty bitty pieces of my heart on display for the general public. And somewhere between there and here I started laying it all out for you guys...to the point that I subject you to my thoughts that don't really fall in line with Christian norms. Somewhere along the way I evolved away from wanting to be the cool, coffee-drinking, hipster Christian I hoped you all thought I was.

But I'm not really sure who (or what!) I've evolved into.

I mean, GOD is still a huge factor in my life. I still love Him and worship Him. My life is still submitted to Him. So don't freak out and think I've gone and turned into some heathen or something.

I have more to say but this post is long enough so maybe I'll continue my thoughts some other time...

I'm all mixed up tonight.

I've been sitting here trying to come up with something to post about for the past half hour and I feel really lame because my thoughts refuse to let me organize them. It doesn't help that they're all really random.

So here they are with absolutely no order or sense:

1. I'm out of chocolate.
2. Last night at work some lady on the phone asked me if I was a Jew. For some reason this really upset me and I've been thinking about it all day. And if you've talked to me at all today I've probably mentioned it at least twice.
3. My bathroom sink is broken.
4. I'm writing a textbook on mythology for my Milton class. It's consuming my thoughts...lately I find myself daydreaming about Andromeda being chained to a rock whilst waiting for her rescuer or Narcissus falling in love with his own reflection. It's distracting to say the least.
5. I want to be better at knowing what to say and when to say it.
6. Water is my favorite.
7. My Lent prayers are coming easier to me now.
8. I've had this weird streak of insecurity come over me lately.
9. My hair smells nice.
10. We read some deliciously scandalous poetry in 17th/18th Century Lit the other day. And I'm kind of in love with it.

What's that weird girl got on her arm?

If I Ever Get a Tattoo...

Here is a selection of the phrases I would consider...

"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color."
- W.S. Merwin

"Surely it is a privilege to approach the end still believing in something."
- Louis Gluck

"'Love' is finding the familiar dear.
'In love' is to be taken by surprise."
- Mona Van Duyn

"Wisdom is having things right in your life
and knowing why."
- William Stafford

And here is a link to pictures of the other ones I like...

Can we just be friends?

A couple weeks ago I wrote this post about how I felt about the beginning of my relationship with GOD. And that train of thought has kind of been continuing in my mind since then.

After the honeymoon stage I had with Him I realized that there were some things He actually expected of me. I realized that the sparks and emotional highs were happening less often. My relationship with Him started feeling stale and everyday instead of magical and mysterious.

So I slipped into the pattern of seeing and referring to GOD as being my "Best Friend." GOD and I became buddies. And to be honest, I was a very fair weather friend. I called on Him when I felt like hanging out, but I rarely (if ever) answered His calls.

And then I started (metaphorically, of course) seeing other people...their names were Pride, Movies, Novels, Greed, Selfishness, Coffee, New Clothes, Insecurity, Homework, Boys (Haha that's ironic!), Facebook, and Money. They were the ones consuming all of my time, thoughts, energy, and desires.

So GOD and I slipped into this pattern of seeing each other on Sundays, but not really communicating throughout the week. And on Sundays things were strained...I mean, I knew that I was using GOD to get what I wanted and I felt badly about it, but I really didn't want to stop.

Even though I had made a covenant with the LORD that was as equally binding as marriage I still found myself wanting Him for just a friend so that I could have all the other stuff in my life that I liked. I clung to things that really didn't satisfy me at all.

Now that I've written all that in the past tense, I see that it's really not in the past. Even though I intended to write a post about how I was when I was 16.

I guess that's because I still fight the urge to "Just be friends" with GOD.

But that's not what He wants. He wants ALL of me. He wants MORE of my time, MORE of my thoughts, MORE of my attention, MORE of my energy than I would give to a friend. He wants to love me and cherish me and protect me and provide for me in ways that a friend never could. He's not okay with just being friends. And as my economics professor said the other day, "There's no better place to be than in the center of Christ's will."

Klostermeyer and John Donne

Dear Dr. Klostermeyer,
This post was partially inspired by our talk today. I mean, I didn't run home trying to think of something to blog about just because you pointed out that I hadn't really written in a while...I just realized that my being busy hasn't just kept me from blogging, it's kept me from reflecting and thinking in the way that I ought. Also, when you pointed out that I'd never written about SBU faculty I thought it was time for me to give a shout out. So here's my shout out. And what follows is my actual post:

So anyways, things have been crazy lately. I've been doing a lot of running around/trying to memorize court cases/trying to figure out what the heck Milton meant in his super confusing poetry/making up for lost sleep by spending way more time in my bed than should be legally allowed/downing caffeine like nobody's business.

I haven't really slowed down for a while. And to be honest, even when I have slowed down these past few weeks I've ended up falling asleep before I could get any productive thoughts in...or to be even more honest, I've kept myself from thinking productive thoughts, because they're difficult. They're messy. They usually make me uncomfortable. They usually spur me toward making choices that don't seem very fun (but that I ultimately know are right).

So I think GOD played a joke on me tonight. I came back to my room and drank a mocha and then fell asleep. At eight. On a Friday night. I forgot about the caffeine content a mocha has. So I woke up exactly thirty minutes after falling asleep.

And of course I woke up in a weird state of mind because I'd only slept for a short time. The kind of state of mind where you read seventeenth century poetry and wind up crying all over the book. Which was embarrassing, but okay I guess...we all need some cartharsis.

I'm taking a class about 17th and 18th Century Lit. this semester. For the most part it's all over my head, but we read this poem the other day and it really got to me:

Holy Sonnet 14
By John Donne
Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock; breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

I feel like this poem speaks for itself, so I won't belittle you by dumping my thoughts on it on you. So now hopefully I can work off this caffeine buzz and get some sleep.

My Honeymoon

Let me just start out by saying that it's been one of those weeks where at the end of it you want to do something crazy like color your hair blonde, or bright red, or lilac, but you know that you'd hate yourself if you did so instead you start a new work out plan. So I'm a little sore.

I'm two weeks in to my hardest semester ever, and I'm already going a little stir crazy...as is evidenced by my previous post. I know it seems like I have way too much time on my hands to the casual observer, but let me set the record straight...anything I've been posting on here or on facebook has been a sad attempt to procrastinate and/or seem like I actually have a life in the midst of all the stuff I need to get done. Although I guess posting something on facebook is really proof that you don't have a life because you're so cooped up that you only have time to talk to your online friends so I guess that little paradox kind of defeats my purpose...

So anyways...

A couple months ago I posted some stuff that talked about how I'm learning to view Christ from a marriage perspective...if you missed out on those you can catch up here and here. I guess you could say that the LORD has kind of been building on that perspective this past week.

You know how when you first start liking someone who likes you back and everything is wonderful and you always think nice things about that person and you want to buy them stuff and make them cookies and play with their hair and write them notes and...I could go on...

I call that the Honeymoon Stage of a relationship. Maybe you're dating, maybe you're not, all the same, you're just starting to know them and you like them a lot. And it's mutual.

I had a really nice Honeymoon Stage with GOD. And I've been thinking a lot about it this past week...

I don't know about you, but when I have any sort of Honeymoon Stage with a guy, pretty much any movie I watch, book I read, or song I sing will one day remind me of that male. So this week when I watched the new Jane Eyre, it made me think a lot about the LORD, because I read that book over and over when I was first getting to know Him.

Another thing that reminded me of Him was when in Spanish class this week I came across the verb 'llover', which means 'to rain.' This is super cheesy and sappy and weird, but when I first learned that verb, I taught myself to remember what it means by reminding myself that my Lover (the LORD) makes it rain to remind me that He loves me. (I've always really, really, really loved the rain.)

My favorite part about my Honeymoon Stage with GOD was how peacefully I always managed to sleep. It was such a nice feeling to literally and metaphorically rest in His love. And He blessed me with a fairly long time of honeymoonishness. He gave me several years that were free of doubts and full of trust in Him.

Girls.

I say 'so' a lot...

So my room is currently an inferno. It's killing me. So much so that I can't focus on the seventeen hours worth of homework and studying that I have. I put the fan in the window to try to pull in the lovely 60 degree winter air outside, so it sounds like a small truck is trying to rev its way into my room. Which is ironic because I live on the fourth floor. Some truck.

Also for some reason I had an off day today. It all started when the campus eating facility ruined my morning by serving lukewarm water in place of my favorite caffeinated beverage. Well...there was some coffee in there, I guess...although not enough to keep the liquid in my cup from looking strangely similar to milk.

So in Spanish all I could think about was how I NEEDED a cup of coffee. It was very distracting. So I concocted this marvelous plan that involved going downstairs to the library where there is a nice little coffee place. But guess what. They were out.

Someone almost threw herself on the floor.

Eventually I sucked it up and ran back to my room to make my own cup. And then I felt better. And then I ran to class. And I could focus and everything felt right with the world.

So that's my story of today. And I'm sticking to it.

My Poem

Please pardon the facts that I'm makeupless and also making a strange face in the thumbnail...

A Vlog About Milton and the Cowboys

For some reason my smile looks super creepy in the thumbnail...so ignore that...

Lovesick Mistake

So I know this is like the ultimate chick song, but I've kind of been obsessively listening to it for the past hour. I really just like the part where Erin sings about how she can't relate to her heart. It's so cheesy...but so good...and so relatable.  Also I'm trying to find random stuff to do so that I don't have to start my reading for classes tomorrow.

Should have had a V8.

As you all know (if you're a regular around here), for a while now I've been dealing with this whole "I'm not so great at this Christian thing" thing. I always kind of feel like I'm missing the mark when it comes to saying/doing/thinking the "right" stuff. Honestly I've really been holding out for the day that I wake and discover that I've become perfect.

So the other day I was sitting on my bed berating myself for my flaws as I was reading my Bible. And then I read the beginning of Psalm 3:8 - "Salvation belongs to the LORD."I had this stunning realization that GOD hasn't saved me because of anything I have or haven't done. Past, present, or future.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with a friend about negative self-talk. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into the whole self-esteem generation thing, but there's something to be said for the things that a person says to his or herself. I mean, I say/think things about myself that I would never say or think about another person.

And so, that was my mindset when I read that verse...Salvation belongs to the LORD...it was like I had this moment of GOD doing the "Should have had a V8" thing to my forehead as He reminded me that it's not my place to decide who does or does not receive salvation. Even my own salvation.

Romance, Coffee, and Life

It's raining out, and I after my first class I decided that I needed a mocha. So now I'm back in my room, slightly soggy, sipping my mocha, and listening to Sarah McLachlan. I got kind of caught up in the romantic atmosphere of it all, so I decided to blog...

Lately I've been having these strange moments of clarity about myself. Not in any sort of big way, just in the small little ways that honestly I think are more important than the big ways.

I like coffee. I know this isn't anything new, but my overindulgence in this legal addictive stimulant has become more obvious to me lately. Coffee reminds me of home and Mumzy. It reminds me that even though I'm crazy busy and even though I don't understand the world (or GOD) the way I want to, that's okay. It reminds me that I'm loved (which I know sounds super weird...), and it reminds me that some things (like the taste of a mocha!) never change.

I've also been realizing that I like how I do life. I've always kind of had this strange relationship with myself because I've always felt like I myself am strange, and it's really hard to have a normal relationship with a strange person. But GOD has shown me that I'm not strange. I'm just different. And that's okay. And for the most part, it's even good.

Most importantly I've been realizing that I'm not where I should be...I hate admitting it, but I've gotten really lazy and un-pro-active. Especially when it comes to the LORD. Prayer and time in the WORD have been rare things lately...and I'm not a fan of how the lack of those things make me feel.

So anyways, I'm off to chapel...whoopee. On the bright side, while I'm sitting there ignoring the speaker I'll have time to read the Bible. Or on the even brighter side, maybe I'll actually like the speaker!

What was I thinking?

So I didn't really plan this semester very well...

I'm currently sitting in the SBU computer lab trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life now that my 8 o'clock class is over...because I don't have class again until noon.

And of course I decided to bring all of my books for the day with me...so I'm a little loaded down.

On the bright side I have a new bag, and we all know the boost that having a new bag can add to a day. Well...it's new to me...it used to be mumzy's, but she got a new one, so I got hers. Whoop whoop!

Also I have new head phones that block out all of the sounds around me. This is good because now I can listen to nice, calming, quiet music without having to hear all of the crap everyone else listens to. However, it's a lot easier for people to sneak up on me and I have had exactly three small panic attacks because of this conundrum.

I bet some of you have quit reading this by now because you've figured out that this post doesn't really have a point, I'm just trying to kill time and I actually want to look like I'm doing something important instead of just sitting around looking dopily (pretty sure that's a word...) at the wall.

What's a girl to do when she's got waaaaaaay too much time to kill?

Perhaps I'll go poke my nose into some books...seeing as I am in the library after all.

Adiue my lovely readers...

The Full-Fledged-Freaker-Outer

I am a full-fledged-freaker-outer. It doesn't matter the situation...if I think something is going to go wrong, I flip. My fantastic imagination is always right there, ready to supply me with images and thoughts about how everything that can go wrong, will go wrong...Murphy and I would have been good friends.

So today I was having a nice little flip out session in the car with my dad. He, of course, is the opposite of being a full-fledged-freaker-outer...he's always exuded calmness and serenity...in another life he would have made a great yoga master.

And as I was sitting there ranting about the current situation that had me doing flips, my dad patiently listened for a bit, and then he told me to stop talking.

It was quiet for a second and then I inhaled to start ranting again, but before I could get anymore words out my dad said, "Why don't you just say the LORD's prayer, focus on what you gotta do, and then go from there?"

And I did it. Right then and there. And it made things a lot better.

I hope someday I'm as wise as my daddy is...

Why I Love Jesus, Like Religion, and Have Mixed Feelings About This Video

So I'm supposed to be writing a scholarship essay...but of course, I needed a break. So I took one and I watched that new Jesus video that's caused such a stir on my friendly neighborhood social networking sites...

Here it is if you happen to live in a cave and have therefore missed out on it...

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this video...(and of course, I felt the need to go public with them!)

On the one hand he makes some admirable points...

• The Republican party is not GOD's chosen party.
• The church should focus more on helping the poor than on promoting their building fund.
• GOD loves sinners and He wants to extend His grace to them.

There are some things about this video that don't really sit well with me though...

It kind of leaves one with the idea that you can have Jesus and grace and all that good stuff without ever having to bother with church. Now, I'm not saying that you have to go to church in order to be saved...but don't you think that fellowship with people who believe the same things as you do is important? Even if they are hypocrites? Even if you're a hypocrite?

I've recently become a Dallas Cowboys fan. It was a big step for me, but I finally decided that I need my own sports team to support. Don't you think it would be ridiculous for me to run around saying, "I love the Dallas Cowboys, but man do I hate all of the other fans of their team. They're different from me. They don't love the Cowboys the way that I do. They don't own as much NFL gear as I do. They don't 'like' the Cowboys facebook page."

See, the thing is, everyone says one thing and does another. No one is perfect and no one's relationship with Christ is even remotely spotless. And if you're not perfect, then how dare you look down on your fellow Christians for not being perfect?

I've heard a lot of people talk about how much they love Jesus but hate church, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. The church is Jesus' bride. You can't love Jesus and hate his wife. It doesn't work that way. As Christians, we need fellowship with other Christians. We should be as excited about meeting other believers as I am when I find a fellow Cowboys fan.

I also am afraid that people are going to become even more legalistic about believing other people are legalistic. I think it's sad how often people are looked down on just because they prefer a more traditional form of worship. There's nothing wrong with praying from a Book of Common Prayer, or taking part in the various traditions handed down from church fathers. When we as Christians take part in communion, or worship, or prayer, maybe we ought to be more appreciative of tradition...

Now then...I don't think that the guy who made this video was saying that he hates church. I think he was making a very accurate statement about the love and grace of Christ. However, I see several  ways in which this video leaves things open for misinterpretation and I think that everything he says should be carefully thought through...as with any material a person comes across.

Ma nah ma nah...

So somehow I've gotten kind of behind on here...I logged on yesterday and realized that I hadn't blogged in 2012 yet!

So I decided that I would share some of my current infatuations...

1. The following song...it's one of those songs that I put on and dance around to when I feel like having a pity party...

2. The Dallas Cowboys. I officially have a sports team. And they're it.

3. My red high heels and yellow coat that I got for Christmas.

4. Coffee...duh.

5. The "Weddings By Bella" book series...best chick flick novels in a long time.

More to come...hopefully...if I find time...